Daveeeeed

Dear Daveeed, 

I miss you. 

I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Then again, I never thought I'd have to miss you. You'd always been there, ever since I met you. You were always just a short drive to our favorite bar away, for just a drink, a game of pool, a conversation. I could always call you, regardless of the day, time, what you were doing, what I was doing. If I needed advice, you would give it to me even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. If I just needed a drink, you'd just reply saying that you'd meet me at our bar in 15 minutes.

When I invited you to my pool party, I had no idea how much that would strengthen our friendship. Laughter...drinks... memories. You played guitar and piano for me. We drank shots. Laughed. You bonded with my family and friends. You were so comfortable in any situation you were in. 

When I texted you one random Friday morning telling you how much I wanted a vacation, we had a hotel booked hours later. When you came to my house to pick me up, you just laughed at the sight of me bringing a suitcase, a backpack, and an additional bag for a weekend getaway to the Wisconsin Dells. 

You never failed to make me laugh, no matter what mood I was in. No matter where we were, what we were doing, I was always laughing hysterically. 

So it's no surprise that the last 3 months without you have been 3 of the loneliest months I've ever had. 

The first month you were gone, I cried every single day. The smallest thing could set it off. A friend sending me a text informing me that he/she was thinking of me was enough to send me into my bedroom for hours, crying uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do with myself. The mundane tasks of daily life no longer seemed to carry any importance to me. My room was a mess. Laundry was all over the floor, begging to be washed. My bed sheets were scattered throughout the bed and one the floor. My bedside table had a collection of assorted cups of water, none finished. Even drinking didn't seem like a necessity anymore. I neglected almost everything. I felt like everything was falling apart. Nothing was bringing my joy anymore. I was going through the motions, but not truly living. It felt like I was just surviving... giving myself just enough food to satisfy my hunger. 

As time went by, and another month came and went, I felt it getting more "normal." The tears weren't coming down my face as often as they had. It was getting easier to be at our bar, without you there. I still find myself searching the bar for your familiar face and then my heart sinks when reality sets back in and I remember that I won't see your face there again. 

It's been almost three months now without you. So much has happened and changed in my life. 

I want to tell you about how well I'm doing with my job. I want to tell you that I got a raise in January and I'm getting another one next month, in April. I want to tell you that I'm slowly but surely finding myself again. I'm appreciating the small things and showing my love to family and friends more often. I'm trying to live like you did. Fast. Furious. I don't want to let my anxiety keep me from doing what I love. 

Losing you has changed me forever. My heart breaks at the thought of all the memories we'll never make. The trips we'll never go on. The conversations we won't have. The pool games we won't play. The shots of tequila we won't do together. The hugs I won't get from you unexpectedly.

Life has a rude way of letting someone turn their lives completely around for the better, only to take it away after a very short, but well-lived 31 years. When you left, you took a little piece of everyone you ever knew with them. 

I am so grateful for the memories we made, the laughs we shared, and the love, respect and friendship we had. You taught me how to live like you were dying. You taught me the value of life and the importance of doing what you want to do while you are able to. 

Save a tequila shot for me up there, guy. 

Love you Daveeed.

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

It's been almost two months since you took your last breath here on this Earth. In some ways, it feels like it's only been a day and in other ways, it feels like it's been years.

Death is strange. I knew the day would come that you would no longer be here, but I didn't know just how soon the day would be that I would lose you. 

The day that I received the call informing me that you had passed... I will never forget that day. I had just ordered a sub from the marketplace in the Union of my University. I had taken a bite or two and then noticed that I had a missed voicemail from my Mom. When I listened to it, it was my aunt, asking me to call her or my mom as soon as I could. Right away, I dialed my mom's number, thinking that something bad had happened to my mom. Was it a car accident? Had she experienced a heart attack?

My mom answered the phone and calmly told me that "Grandma passed away this morning." Those five words hit me like a brick. I was shocked. I didn't know what was going on. My mom was clearly devastated. I lied right away and told my mom that I was done with class for the day (I wasn't; I had one more class at 12:40 PM). I offered to drive down. My mom told me not to, saying that she didn't know what was going on or when the funeral would be. She then told me that the priest had entered the room she was in and so she needed to go. I hung up the phone, and looked down to my sub. Do I continue eating it? How can I go to class with this news? Should I tell someone? I need to go. I need to go down to Milwaukee. I need to be with my family. I need to go. Right now. First, I need to tell my work. It'll make it more real. I need to tell them I won't be coming to work tomorrow. I need to go now. I walk down the hallway of the Union to where the Administration office is located. Linda, my "office mom," is busy talking to someone. I stand there for what seems like forever, but realistically was probably only a few minutes. I finally then give up, realizing that I need to just go. As I trek up the hill to the entrance of my building, I begin feeling like I need to cry. Shouldn't I be crying? I just lost my grandma. Is this even real? I enter my bedroom, shut the door, and break down crying. Instantly, I start throwing clothes and toiletries into a blue hamper. I wasn't even sure what I was packing or if anything packed made sense. I just knew that I needed to go. With a few bags packed, I took off for the car. I got in, and began crying hysterically. 

The drive from Oshkosh to Milwaukee is a blur. I just remember crying, asking why, apologizing for not realizing that I didn't have more time. Wishing I could have done more. Knowing I should have done more. I should have called her one more time. I should have gone over and seen her one more time. Was this really the end? And then there's my mom. Oh, I bet she'll be so mad that I am driving down right now. I have school. But does that even matter when I just lost my grandma? While driving, I send a quick text to James, 'My grandma passed away this morning..' I send another text to both Kali and Melissa, 'My grandma passed away this morning. On my way home.' Even after writing it three times, it doesn't feel real. Just as I am north of West Bend, I receive a Facebook message from my cousin Shannon. At the end of the long message, she asks how my mom is doing. For some reason, this confirms exactly what I needed. I need to go down and I need to be with my mother.

When I hit Lannon Road, I call my aunt to confirm that they are at Community Memorial in Menomonee Falls. They're not. They're at Froedtert. My Aunt tries to explain directions to me, where I should park, how I can get to the private family room they are in. I don't listen. I speed to Froedtert, drive toward the main entrance of the hospital, park in the parking garage that I've parked in so many times to visit my Grandma. This time, I won't be going to visit her. I'm going here to say goodbye to her.

I park the car, get out into the hospital, tears rolling down my eyes. I frantically enter each waiting room, anxious to see a familiar face. I don't see them. I call my aunt and she guides me toward the Adult ER waiting room. I enter and don't see them. Frustrated, I turn around and immediately hear my aunt call my name. I run into the private family room where I hug and cry with my dad, my aunt, my uncle, and then enter a room connected to the private family waiting area where my mom is standing beside a hospital bed where my grandma is.

I never knew that I would see the soul-less body of my grandma. I never thought that it would hit me so hard to see the lack of life in her body. It was your time. But why did it have to be so soon? 

I would give anything for one hug from you. One more conversation. One more smile. One more moment. Just one. 

You left and I feel so blessed to know that the last words I spoke to you were "I love you."

Thank you for almost 23 years of unconditional love, endless support, and wonderful memories. Thank you for being the amazing Grandma that you were. Thank you, above all, for bringing a little light into this dark world.

May you rest in peace.

Until we meet again, always and forever,
Your Granddaughter
AKA " (Self-Proclaimed) Number 1 Grandchild" 

I'M READY

Wow, it sure feels weird to sit down once again in the comfort of my room, with just a computer and my thoughts. The only sounds heard are the rhythmic tapping of my fingers upon the keyboard. Ahh...it's so nice to be back in the location where I can ramble my thoughts and opinions, without the quick snapping judgments of those around me. This is my safe place. The safe space I've abandoned for quite some time. Life has a crazy way of doing that to people.

So how exactly do I write this? Do I start by rambling off the series of events that have prevented me from blogging? Do I start off by just detailing one particular event? How do I narrow down the past few months into just one little blog posting. Here goes nothing...

I am only a few short weeks away from becoming a SENIOR in COLLEGE. Three years ago, I was a nervous freshman twirling my hair, searching the surrounding crowds for a familiar face to become a friend. Now, I am grown and matured, having experienced more than I ever imagined I would be experiencing during these critical four years at a university.

This past year has been nothing short of amazing. Although I have been through hardships, loss, lonely nights, confusion, stress, and worry, this past year has also been one of the most life-changing pivotal moments of my life. I have come to love and accept exactly who I am, where I am in life, where I've been, and where I am going in my life. It's taken me almost 22 long years, but finally, Sarah is being Sarah, in the most simplest of terms.

After spending a great half of my life staring into a mirror, crying, wondering why I can't just be happy with myself, I have learned to smile toward the mirror and love the person who is staring back at me. She is strong, she is powerful, she is brave, she is courageous, she is worthy, and she is perfectly imperfect. Not all days do I feel this confident, but most days I do. It took losing so much for me to get to this place. Although I used to be bitter toward certain people in my past, I now feel gracious for the lessons they brought into my life. I have learned to release the negative feelings and thoughts I have for them, and instead, decided to solely learn from them. God brings people into our lives for various reasons, and I now understand that some people were brought into my life just to destroy it...to kick me while I was down...to test my strength. I thank them for doing so. Thank you for making me feel worthless because it taught me how to discover my worth. Thank you for blaming me for all that went wrong in our relationship because it taught me what characteristics I have that I can improve upon. Thank you for leaving. Because it left space for someone far more worthy of being in my life.

The person who I was, just a few months ago, no longer exists in this body. I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I will accomplish. I am proud that I can take all of the negative to make it positive. I am proud that I have the greatest friends and family surrounding me. Above all, I am proud that my past didn't kill me. It didn't win.

I can now say something today that I would have never been able to even think over the past year. I want to be on this Earth. I want to be in this world. I want to meet new people and take on new challenges. I want to experience the vast opportunities that this life has to offer me. I am here for a reason. I know that now. I want to live and be alive.

Embrace your future, my loves. Embrace the happiness and love that surrounds you everyday. Hope...it exists. Possibility...possibility to be happy, to be independent, to break from the chains withholding you from your future...it exists. Go get it.

God bless.

A Heartfelt Letter to a Heartless Person

Weird...it's been almost a year and, yet, it still feels like yesterday in some ways. In other ways, it's as though I've never met you. It's taken me this long to realize that this array of emotions I experience by the thought of you isn't because of any good times we had. We didn't really have too many. The few happy times we did share always ended bad...in one way or another.
For the first time ever, I am just going to admit my true feelings toward you...something I never really did.
First and foremost, I am upset. I am upset that I opened my heart and trusted you. I allowed you to bypass my walls and come into my world. You saw me for exactly who I am. I was nothing but transparent with you. For this reason, I believed I was safe. A false belief, but a belief nonetheless. As my world crashed down around me, I turned to you for guidance and support...I had no idea my solution for this downfall was actually the cause. You did this to me...to my safe space, to my world, to my life. You destroyed it. For that, I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive you.
I am angry. I am mad. I have punched walls and kicked rocks, struggling to understand and struggling to accept what is. For the first time, I felt like I had my life felt out but little did I know, I was losing everything that ever mattered to me. It was a sly, sick game you played with me...leading me to believe you were helping me, caring for me, being there for me. In reality, you left me alone and damaged. It started with your lack of trust, especially with my friends. I permitted you to convince me to push them all away. It wasn't until I only had my family that I realized what you had done. Then, you took away my hopes and dreams for my future. I was so driven, so motivated, so confident and that all changed dramatically. Granted, the blame is on me for allowing you to do so, but how could you do that? You knew what I wanted from life. I spent nights and days rambling on and on about my goals for the future. I wanted to become someone. I wanted to create something. I wanted to improve my life. Then, my life dramatically changed in a way that things will never be how they were. You did the one thing you told me you wouldn't do...leave. You were never there as you said you would be. I am angry because I have had to go through this alone. I have experienced a loss that you have never mentally and emotionally connected with. I am angry because you wake up everyday without the mixed emotions that I do. You can go day in and day out without a single thought about what could have been, but I can't. I felt something that you never did. For that, I am mad.
Peace...I may not be completely in peace, but I do have peace surrounding me. Even though you were never there for me, I have a select few of people around me that have been there every single step of the way through this devastating life experience. I may not be there yet, but I am getting to a place where I can be at peace with how life happened.
Lastly, I have gained the hope that I lost along this horrible journey. For the first time in a year, I feel almost back to myself, a slightly different version. I will never forget the shock I felt when a close friend who went through a similar loss told me that we're "still mothers. Because if we're not, then it's like they never existed." Tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face, I can say that I am stronger than I ever have been before. Although most days, my anxiety rises above anything else, I still feel hope. There is still hope in this broken heart of mine. For that, I am forever grateful and blessed.

God bless.

R.I.P.

In just a few months, it'll be a year since I went through the biggest life-changing moment thus far. Having you and shortly thereafter losing you...that's something I can't just move on from. By now, I thought I'd have forgotten all about it but I can't and I refuse to. In the short time of your life, you changed me and played a larger role in my life that I had ever anticipated. Even though I never was able to meet you, or feel you, I feel you now in my heart more than ever.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for this. There are no words to make the pain go away, nor is there anything that could lead me to forget you. After months of anger, confusion, denial, pain, sadness, anxiety, and so forth, I can honestly say now that you were the greatest blessing for me.
You changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do before. You made me realize how strong I truly am. In the moment that I learned of you, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I had to utilize the strength that I had hidden. I was your support system and at that moment, nothing else needed my attention more.
Then, just a few tragic days later, you were gone. It seemed as though you hadn't existed, but you did and you do. You are as much a part of me today as you were back then. I now know that you were mine and you are mine...always. I will never be the same person I was before and I'm okay with that. The person who I am today is more determined and stronger than I ever could have bene before. For the first time ever, I truly feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than it ever has before.
So, to my sweet angel, may you always feel the love I have for you...forever and always.

GOAL ACHIEVED

Clearly, I've neglected this blog the past few months as I not only embrace the precious days of summer but also work endlessly in the hopes of decreasing the substantial college debt I face.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.

MY MOST PERSONAL POST YET

How does one begin to write about a past life event that one cannot even express through words? How do you unleash the most private secret you have? How do I share such a huge tragedy without making myself seem damaged, fragile, and emotionally unstable?

I don't know, but here's my most genuine attempt.

It's just after Christmas time, but joy still radiates through my little world. I am surrounded by family, reunited after months. Laughter fills each room. I've never felt more blessed.

The smile on my face hides the very deep fear underlying it. We are taught from an early age that fear is a sign of weakness. Therefore, I believe that I am weak for being absolutely petrified. After 1 1/2 months, Mother Nature's monthly visit should have arrived and gone. Immediately, I claim responsibility despite the fact that someone else is at just as much fault. My boyfriend. But it's my body. He can leave at his heart's desire with no further care for this. I, on the other hand, face one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I am only 20 years old, halfway through my second year of college. I have goals and ambition. I've only been with him for a few months so am I really willing to take a chance and hope he'll be there? What if he leaves? Am i really prepared to do this alone?

My heart pounds as I stare at the stick wanting the results to appear. I am so still that a whisper would have given me a heart attack. I'm alone, in this potential life-changing moment. I had informed him what I was doing today but his lack of communication showed me how detached he was from this grueling reality. I am alone. Just as I've always been.

At last, my biggest fear becomes my reality. I stare at the one word "Pregnant" wishing to see "Not" in front of it. Praying to see it. But it never comes. I fall numb as fears race through my mind. I am on a roller coaster of emotion, but above all, I'm scared.

Three more tests are taken, all claiming that I'm not pregnant. I know my body and I know these tests are wrong. A doctor appointment a few days later confirms that the three tests are incorrect, making it official that I no longer am thinking solely of myself. I'm no longer alone.

Night after night, I find myself crying in bed writing to this unborn child. But these writings are all soon discarded. I am sad but I am very angry. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. I had told him how the others had abandoned me in my times of need. Here he was now doing the same.

But I couldn't think about him. I had someone else to consider.

One day, everything changes again. I pride myself on knowing my body well. I knew something had happened. Another visit to the doctor confirms my suspicions.

The baby is gone. I am completely alone in this world again. They say nature has a way of working itself out as intended. I suppose it's a bittersweet blessing. Nature made the call before I needed to.

This allowed me to release a toxic person from my life. It allowed me to experience happiness again, even though I endured and still endure the pain associated with a miscarriage.

My life will never be the same again...