Another opens.
Life works in a weird, twisted but yet destined and perfect way. The experiences and memories we have all shape us into who and where we need to be. We're not as independent as we think. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there is some force out there that only allows you to go through things that you can endure.
Sometimes life happens. People leave, memories fade, experiences fail to occur. We fall, we cry, we get back up, we smile. We laugh through the pain and cry through the pain all the same. We're just going through this life unsure of what's coming next but deep down inside all of us, we have faith in what will come. We know that we are strong to face whatever challenges come toward us.
Recently, a door shut in my life. A door that had an abundance of great memories while also full of not-so-good memories. Although it saddens me that the memories will no longer come, I am relieved and blessed to be coming out stronger than ever and prepared to face whatever lies ahead. I am happy and for once I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, carefree, energetic, outgoing, incredible person. For that, I am forever grateful. I have been knocked down and challenged in ways I never imagined I'd be challenged. But through it all, I come out stronger and better than ever. I am not done in this journey of life, nor will I permit someone to convince me that I am. I have so much more to offer the world and I know the world has so much more to offer for me. Whatever lies ahead, whichever road I take to the future, whatever I go through...whether good or bad...I will be ready and I will be happy.
Several months ago, I would have never imagined I'd be still talking to that same person who brought so much joy and so much happiness to my life. People fall apart to sometimes fall back together. Life is unpredictable and although I sometimes crave the chance to see what lies ahead, I am excited by the thought that the future is so unknown. I don't know what will happen in a few weeks when he comes back. I don't know what will come of a bond created over several months, with just the written word creating that bond. But I'm hopeful.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
I REFUSE
I refuse...
To be another statistic of an innocent, young, naïve woman who succumbs to the harsh physical and verbal abuse you placed upon me.
To surrender to a fight that I shouldn't be in.
To bow my head in shame as you take the remaining dignity and trust that I once had for myself and for others.
To allow you, a selfish and heartless man, to destroy my entire world.
To allow my heart to be broken, my trust to be gone, and my walls to go up higher and stronger.
To give you the satisfaction you seek that this time, you won the fight.
To withhold my feelings, for fear of the repercussions that may ensue by doing so.
To be a fearful victim, alone in a dark place in this world.
This time, I am going to stand up and use my power that you tried so hard to steal from me. This is my chance, my opportunity to show you that I am not as weak as you forced me to be that night. It was not my fault that this happened. I didn't do anything to justify this sort of abuse to occur. I am not the victim in this awful circumstance. I am the survivor, the fighter, the woman who refuses to allow you the satisfaction of thinking you were successful in ruining my life.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am capable. I am prepared for the challenges ahead. I am prepared for the victory that will eventually come to me.
God bless.
To be another statistic of an innocent, young, naïve woman who succumbs to the harsh physical and verbal abuse you placed upon me.
To surrender to a fight that I shouldn't be in.
To bow my head in shame as you take the remaining dignity and trust that I once had for myself and for others.
To allow you, a selfish and heartless man, to destroy my entire world.
To allow my heart to be broken, my trust to be gone, and my walls to go up higher and stronger.
To give you the satisfaction you seek that this time, you won the fight.
To withhold my feelings, for fear of the repercussions that may ensue by doing so.
To be a fearful victim, alone in a dark place in this world.
This time, I am going to stand up and use my power that you tried so hard to steal from me. This is my chance, my opportunity to show you that I am not as weak as you forced me to be that night. It was not my fault that this happened. I didn't do anything to justify this sort of abuse to occur. I am not the victim in this awful circumstance. I am the survivor, the fighter, the woman who refuses to allow you the satisfaction of thinking you were successful in ruining my life.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am capable. I am prepared for the challenges ahead. I am prepared for the victory that will eventually come to me.
God bless.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
DON'T GO
I know you are struggling in your fight. I know you are determined to find logic in this cruel and harsh situation that you unfortunately are enduring. I want you to know that there is no sense in something so life-changing. There are no answers to the questions you keep asking and there are no simple solutions to make the pain and hurt disappear.
I know giving up seems like not only the easiest option, but your only option.
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that it isn't the only answer. Despite my own struggles to make sense of this brutal world and although I often times struggle to find a reason to continue fighting, I must tell you that the fight will be worth it in the end. I don't know how this story will end or how you will, if ever, make peace with the situation you find yourself in. But I do know that your story isn't complete. I know that you story doesn't deserve to end in any tragic way.
As difficult as it may be, pick the sword back up and lift your head. Face your challenges head on, without fear, but with courage.
Know that you are not alone. I know, at times, you feel alone because nobody can give you the answers you seek. But you aren't alone. No one has the answers, including yourself.
My vow to you is as follows.
I will be there every single step of the way, offering an ear to vent to, a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a sister to laugh with, and a best friend to have beside you. I will be there as you embark on what is presumably and hopefully going to be your only major fight in this world. We have all been in the hole you find yourself in now. There's a way out and you need to have faith that there is. I will be there for the sleepless nights where you need to vent, for the silent moments where you need to cry, and for the times when we decide to throw things across the room out of anger. I will have your back as you face this horrible reality. I am here.
Please don't leave me.
Your life is worth fighting and I hope that you soon realize this.
I love you.
Stay strong.
I know giving up seems like not only the easiest option, but your only option.
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that it isn't the only answer. Despite my own struggles to make sense of this brutal world and although I often times struggle to find a reason to continue fighting, I must tell you that the fight will be worth it in the end. I don't know how this story will end or how you will, if ever, make peace with the situation you find yourself in. But I do know that your story isn't complete. I know that you story doesn't deserve to end in any tragic way.
As difficult as it may be, pick the sword back up and lift your head. Face your challenges head on, without fear, but with courage.
Know that you are not alone. I know, at times, you feel alone because nobody can give you the answers you seek. But you aren't alone. No one has the answers, including yourself.
My vow to you is as follows.
I will be there every single step of the way, offering an ear to vent to, a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a sister to laugh with, and a best friend to have beside you. I will be there as you embark on what is presumably and hopefully going to be your only major fight in this world. We have all been in the hole you find yourself in now. There's a way out and you need to have faith that there is. I will be there for the sleepless nights where you need to vent, for the silent moments where you need to cry, and for the times when we decide to throw things across the room out of anger. I will have your back as you face this horrible reality. I am here.
Please don't leave me.
Your life is worth fighting and I hope that you soon realize this.
I love you.
Stay strong.
Monday, January 25, 2016
I CAN DO THIS
Shut yourself in the room. Turn up the music. Grab your laptop. Allow your fingers to write the words that you can't put into words. Become dumb. Punch a pillow. Cry yourself to sleep. Ask yourself "why?" Pray that things will work out. Reminisce on the good times. Sink into the bad times. Fall asleep, by some miracle. Wake up. Repeat.
My life.
The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.
What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.
When did my life become this?
It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...
I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.
I can do this.
My life.
The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.
What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.
When did my life become this?
It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...
I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.
I can do this.
Friday, January 8, 2016
TOGETHER
My best friend, my partner-in-crime, my "mother" is one of the few people in this world that I know I can call at any time in my life and she'll do whatever she can to be there for me. Through happiness, joy, sadness, depression, anxiety, good times, bad times, boring times, and crazy times. The friendship that we have built is one that is unbreakable.
Then there's my older brother. Nine years ago, he changed my entire world as I sat innocently, unable to fix the damage caused by his absence. You joining the military was your last resort and my personal worst nightmare. I remember younger me who immediately thought, "Well who's going to be the man in the house with him gone?" For years, I opened your heartbreaking letters and emails. I sat by the phone hoping you might call. Every car that pulled in the driveway made my heart rate increase as I prepared for the worst news. But the car never pulled in the driveway. You made it through eight years in the military, which is including three deployments. It is a true blessing that you returned physically unharmed.
When you decided to enroll at the same university as me, which had been our plan years and years ago, I was in complete denial. While I was absolutely elated by the thought, I didn't know if I would ever get to see the reality. However, last August, we both moved into the same dorm hall and my entire life changed for the better. The brother that I had been waiting eight years to have back, is now here and for that, I'm forever grateful. Every moment that I get to be with you is a moment that I don't take for granted. I now have the guidance, advice, and love from you that I waited so long to have. We can now make memories together that don't have a ticking clock in the back for when you'll have to return to the military. I no longer have to guess when the next time is that I'll see you, or struggle with the thought that I may never see you again. Hearing that a soldier died on the news still saddens and worries me, but I am thankful that I will no longer have to wonder if that was you.
You may never know how much I love the time that we can now share together. Although you have eight more years than I do, we can grow up together and experience the "college lifestyle" together. When I need you the most, I know that I can look across the room and find you. We are in this together and even though our lives are all messed up and we may never know what the right path for our futures is, I know that we can do this together.
God bless.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
I'M FALLING APART
I'm not okay. It's about time that I admit that I'm gasping for breath, desperately trying to stay above the water that is pulling me harder and harder to the bottom. I am about to sink. Into what? I don't know. I'm scared.
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?
Sunday, October 4, 2015
A PROCLAMATION TO A NEW ME
It's been almost six years that I've maintained a deep dark secret, unwilling and feeling unable to relinquish the burden on my shoulders. Caring friends and family offered their empathy, but could never actually hear the full story. I have been shunned into a tormenting silence and finally, I feel the strength, ability, and courage to unveil a darkened past that I have.
I'm blessed to say that I am not a victim, but a survivor. I survived a relationship built on the basis that I was to be a follower. I was to obey instructions given to me by someone who claimed he loved and cared for me. I was silenced at a fragile age when development and maturity were just reaching me. I was quieted and forbidden to have an opinion. What I thought no longer mattered to my friends and family, but more importantly, it didn't matter to me. I was a slave, by my innocent ability to trust someone who knew exactly how to manipulate me.
The pain that I felt, the bruises that I obtained, the nights of pure numbness are distant memories that still bring goose bumps to my skin and shivers down my back. I am haunted by the past that I permitted myself to have. I believed in a lie, when the truth was directly in front of my face. The only reason I ever pulled back and tried to better myself was for a savior. A guy who became one of my closest friends saved me, in a time when I didn't even realize I needed to be saved.
While you spat the cruel words and lifted your hands to me, I was most scared of myself. I couldn't get myself to leave. I didn't feel my worth or believed that there was better for me in the world. I was young, and naïve, and had been so carefree. I was now destroyed, damaged, hurt, used, abused.
Years later, I still don't discuss the details of this past that I have. I refuse to lay my every thought and emotion out for the world. I am scared to be so vulnerable again. No matter what anyone says to me, I know how evil someone can become and I am scared that the person who is truly genuine will be pushed away by my own fears and worries. My future could be so bright and is still so bright, but I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to open my heart and eyes to what I could have. I am capable of disallowing the past from defining my future, but I don't know how to go about this. I am lost, in a sea of misery, and I am struggling.
Friends tell me all of the time that they are there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them. When they need me to open up about my past, I don't know how I can tear down my walls and let them in.
It's the figurative walls that I have built around me that keeps me from actually opening up to people. I'm an outgoing person, but I am not a welcoming person. While I have plenty of friends around me and plenty of people interested in creating a future with me, I am incapable of having their hopes and feelings become mutual with my own.
I'm a girl who needed to become a fighter in order for me to get away from him. Even though he is gone and the fight is over, I am still holding the spear, ready to utilize it. I'm still fighting, a fight that isn't even there.
But I'm done fighting. I'm done with the walls. It's well past time to trust the people who have proved their loyalty. It is time for me to prove my loyalty and trust to them. I owe my friends and family that much. I need to talk about my past so that I can move on and have a brighter future. It's time for me to be the strong, loving, outgoing, funny girl that I once was.
I will come back from my past and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side, no matter how difficult it may have been at times. I do appreciate your never-ending love, support, encouragement, and friendship.
God bless.
I'm blessed to say that I am not a victim, but a survivor. I survived a relationship built on the basis that I was to be a follower. I was to obey instructions given to me by someone who claimed he loved and cared for me. I was silenced at a fragile age when development and maturity were just reaching me. I was quieted and forbidden to have an opinion. What I thought no longer mattered to my friends and family, but more importantly, it didn't matter to me. I was a slave, by my innocent ability to trust someone who knew exactly how to manipulate me.
The pain that I felt, the bruises that I obtained, the nights of pure numbness are distant memories that still bring goose bumps to my skin and shivers down my back. I am haunted by the past that I permitted myself to have. I believed in a lie, when the truth was directly in front of my face. The only reason I ever pulled back and tried to better myself was for a savior. A guy who became one of my closest friends saved me, in a time when I didn't even realize I needed to be saved.
While you spat the cruel words and lifted your hands to me, I was most scared of myself. I couldn't get myself to leave. I didn't feel my worth or believed that there was better for me in the world. I was young, and naïve, and had been so carefree. I was now destroyed, damaged, hurt, used, abused.
Years later, I still don't discuss the details of this past that I have. I refuse to lay my every thought and emotion out for the world. I am scared to be so vulnerable again. No matter what anyone says to me, I know how evil someone can become and I am scared that the person who is truly genuine will be pushed away by my own fears and worries. My future could be so bright and is still so bright, but I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to open my heart and eyes to what I could have. I am capable of disallowing the past from defining my future, but I don't know how to go about this. I am lost, in a sea of misery, and I am struggling.
Friends tell me all of the time that they are there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them. When they need me to open up about my past, I don't know how I can tear down my walls and let them in.
It's the figurative walls that I have built around me that keeps me from actually opening up to people. I'm an outgoing person, but I am not a welcoming person. While I have plenty of friends around me and plenty of people interested in creating a future with me, I am incapable of having their hopes and feelings become mutual with my own.
I'm a girl who needed to become a fighter in order for me to get away from him. Even though he is gone and the fight is over, I am still holding the spear, ready to utilize it. I'm still fighting, a fight that isn't even there.
But I'm done fighting. I'm done with the walls. It's well past time to trust the people who have proved their loyalty. It is time for me to prove my loyalty and trust to them. I owe my friends and family that much. I need to talk about my past so that I can move on and have a brighter future. It's time for me to be the strong, loving, outgoing, funny girl that I once was.
I will come back from my past and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side, no matter how difficult it may have been at times. I do appreciate your never-ending love, support, encouragement, and friendship.
God bless.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)