I'M BROKEN.

Such a sweet girl, always smiling and taking advantage of each and every opportunity to meet someone new, make a new friend. She was carefree, seeking adventures and never worrying about anything too much. She was happy, beautiful, kind and crazy.

That girl is now gone and you are to blame. You could see in my eyes and my heart who I was and you permitted yourself to destroy me, for your own selfish reasons. I never intended to allow our relationship to last past summer, but you convinced me to stay and try to make things work. I was going through a new milestone of my life, my first year in college, and you knew I wanted to embrace the entire experience. You knew what my goals were and you manipulated me into thinking that following my dreams and enjoying myself was somehow equal to betraying you. You stole the precious time I had in my new adventure and you didn’t even think twice about it.

I tried. I tried so hard, every single day, every single minute. I waited by the phone when I should have been out with friends. I sat worrying and overthinking about our relationship and our issues while you ignored me.

I don’t think you even realize how much damage you caused. While you have begun a relationship with someone else, you have still reached out to me, trying to persuade me to grant you one more chance. How sick of an individual you are. After betraying me, you are already betraying someone else.

I am broken. I can’t open myself up and even though I try to let others in, I have built my walls too high. I am surrounded by water on an island. People are continuously paddling their way across the water to get to me, to get to know me. I’m disregarding them and I’m completely aware I’m doing so. I know I’m hurting them, and I don’t think they realize that I’m hurting myself, too.

When will my heart be healed again? When will my heart be able to open up to someone?

I don’t know.

These experiences, these mistakes, they’re all helping me become a better person. I’m strong and I’m capable of loving again. It’s time for me to stop allowing my fears to hold me back from life. It’s time to return to being the person I once was. It’s time to smile, genuinely smile and feel true happiness and love. It’s time to enjoy life, as best I can, while I can.

Life is too short to allow someone, especially someone like you, to hold me back. My wings are free and I’m ready to fly into my new adventure, my new chapter of my life.

I’m Sarah. I’ve been hurt before and I’m still hurting. I’m no longer going to allow my past to hold me back from the future. It’s time to be me, the best me that I can be.

MY CONFESSIONS

The true me is a soul that's been tortured with the painful reminders of a brutal past. Until recently, I have been stuck in the nightmares of who I used to be and what I used to permit myself to endure. My life lacked value years ago so much so that I didn't believe I was actually worth more than what I was getting. One man's abusive remarks led me to neglect the morals, values, and self-concept that I had previously held. I allowed myself to be a victim. But, I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
I confess that it was and still is my responsibility to obtain the respect that I deserve for myself. It was my duty to protect myself from the pain that he caused. Rather than hold true to myself, I allowed him to get inside my head and influence my every move. I became a slave to his unreasonable demands and I didn't even realize that I had lost sight of myself before it was too late.
I confess I fell into a false idea of love and convinced myself that I was happy. This is what I had longed for...a picture perfect relationship. I was supposed to be happy, right? "Maybe if I smile, the pain will go away..."
I confess that I love myself. I love the person who I am today. I am carefree, crazy, blessed, and above all, I am happy. I may not have all the confidence in the world and there are a million things I want to change about myself. I want to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, work harder, dream bigger, and love deeper. However, I am young. I'm still taking my first steps into adulthood and despite every mistake I make, I know that I am becoming the person I want to be. I may not have a million friends surrounding me, but I have enough genuine friends to support me, love me, and who are truly there when I need them to be. At the end of the day, I can fall asleep knowing that there will be a brighter tomorrow.
I confess that I am strong. No matter what situation I find myself in, I know that I am strong enough to not only get through it, but thrive. I am no longer weak and incapable of defending myself. I know my worth and I have the courage to stand up to anyone to fight for myself. For so long, I waited for him to fight for me. I didn't realize that I was the one who needed to rise up for myself.
These are my confessions. I confess that I make mistakes and that I can be wrong. I confess that I am not the perfect person in the world and that I'm flawless. I confess that that's okay though. I confess that I am who I am. These are the cards I was dealt and it's my duty to give myself the life, happiness, and love that I desire.