It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.
It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.
My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.
I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.
At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...
No comments:
Post a Comment