Shut yourself in the room. Turn up the music. Grab your laptop. Allow your fingers to write the words that you can't put into words. Become dumb. Punch a pillow. Cry yourself to sleep. Ask yourself "why?" Pray that things will work out. Reminisce on the good times. Sink into the bad times. Fall asleep, by some miracle. Wake up. Repeat.
My life.
The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.
What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.
When did my life become this?
It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...
I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.
I can do this.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Friday, January 8, 2016
TOGETHER
My best friend, my partner-in-crime, my "mother" is one of the few people in this world that I know I can call at any time in my life and she'll do whatever she can to be there for me. Through happiness, joy, sadness, depression, anxiety, good times, bad times, boring times, and crazy times. The friendship that we have built is one that is unbreakable.
Then there's my older brother. Nine years ago, he changed my entire world as I sat innocently, unable to fix the damage caused by his absence. You joining the military was your last resort and my personal worst nightmare. I remember younger me who immediately thought, "Well who's going to be the man in the house with him gone?" For years, I opened your heartbreaking letters and emails. I sat by the phone hoping you might call. Every car that pulled in the driveway made my heart rate increase as I prepared for the worst news. But the car never pulled in the driveway. You made it through eight years in the military, which is including three deployments. It is a true blessing that you returned physically unharmed.
When you decided to enroll at the same university as me, which had been our plan years and years ago, I was in complete denial. While I was absolutely elated by the thought, I didn't know if I would ever get to see the reality. However, last August, we both moved into the same dorm hall and my entire life changed for the better. The brother that I had been waiting eight years to have back, is now here and for that, I'm forever grateful. Every moment that I get to be with you is a moment that I don't take for granted. I now have the guidance, advice, and love from you that I waited so long to have. We can now make memories together that don't have a ticking clock in the back for when you'll have to return to the military. I no longer have to guess when the next time is that I'll see you, or struggle with the thought that I may never see you again. Hearing that a soldier died on the news still saddens and worries me, but I am thankful that I will no longer have to wonder if that was you.
You may never know how much I love the time that we can now share together. Although you have eight more years than I do, we can grow up together and experience the "college lifestyle" together. When I need you the most, I know that I can look across the room and find you. We are in this together and even though our lives are all messed up and we may never know what the right path for our futures is, I know that we can do this together.
God bless.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
I'M FALLING APART
I'm not okay. It's about time that I admit that I'm gasping for breath, desperately trying to stay above the water that is pulling me harder and harder to the bottom. I am about to sink. Into what? I don't know. I'm scared.
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?
Sunday, October 4, 2015
A PROCLAMATION TO A NEW ME
It's been almost six years that I've maintained a deep dark secret, unwilling and feeling unable to relinquish the burden on my shoulders. Caring friends and family offered their empathy, but could never actually hear the full story. I have been shunned into a tormenting silence and finally, I feel the strength, ability, and courage to unveil a darkened past that I have.
I'm blessed to say that I am not a victim, but a survivor. I survived a relationship built on the basis that I was to be a follower. I was to obey instructions given to me by someone who claimed he loved and cared for me. I was silenced at a fragile age when development and maturity were just reaching me. I was quieted and forbidden to have an opinion. What I thought no longer mattered to my friends and family, but more importantly, it didn't matter to me. I was a slave, by my innocent ability to trust someone who knew exactly how to manipulate me.
The pain that I felt, the bruises that I obtained, the nights of pure numbness are distant memories that still bring goose bumps to my skin and shivers down my back. I am haunted by the past that I permitted myself to have. I believed in a lie, when the truth was directly in front of my face. The only reason I ever pulled back and tried to better myself was for a savior. A guy who became one of my closest friends saved me, in a time when I didn't even realize I needed to be saved.
While you spat the cruel words and lifted your hands to me, I was most scared of myself. I couldn't get myself to leave. I didn't feel my worth or believed that there was better for me in the world. I was young, and naïve, and had been so carefree. I was now destroyed, damaged, hurt, used, abused.
Years later, I still don't discuss the details of this past that I have. I refuse to lay my every thought and emotion out for the world. I am scared to be so vulnerable again. No matter what anyone says to me, I know how evil someone can become and I am scared that the person who is truly genuine will be pushed away by my own fears and worries. My future could be so bright and is still so bright, but I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to open my heart and eyes to what I could have. I am capable of disallowing the past from defining my future, but I don't know how to go about this. I am lost, in a sea of misery, and I am struggling.
Friends tell me all of the time that they are there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them. When they need me to open up about my past, I don't know how I can tear down my walls and let them in.
It's the figurative walls that I have built around me that keeps me from actually opening up to people. I'm an outgoing person, but I am not a welcoming person. While I have plenty of friends around me and plenty of people interested in creating a future with me, I am incapable of having their hopes and feelings become mutual with my own.
I'm a girl who needed to become a fighter in order for me to get away from him. Even though he is gone and the fight is over, I am still holding the spear, ready to utilize it. I'm still fighting, a fight that isn't even there.
But I'm done fighting. I'm done with the walls. It's well past time to trust the people who have proved their loyalty. It is time for me to prove my loyalty and trust to them. I owe my friends and family that much. I need to talk about my past so that I can move on and have a brighter future. It's time for me to be the strong, loving, outgoing, funny girl that I once was.
I will come back from my past and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side, no matter how difficult it may have been at times. I do appreciate your never-ending love, support, encouragement, and friendship.
God bless.
I'm blessed to say that I am not a victim, but a survivor. I survived a relationship built on the basis that I was to be a follower. I was to obey instructions given to me by someone who claimed he loved and cared for me. I was silenced at a fragile age when development and maturity were just reaching me. I was quieted and forbidden to have an opinion. What I thought no longer mattered to my friends and family, but more importantly, it didn't matter to me. I was a slave, by my innocent ability to trust someone who knew exactly how to manipulate me.
The pain that I felt, the bruises that I obtained, the nights of pure numbness are distant memories that still bring goose bumps to my skin and shivers down my back. I am haunted by the past that I permitted myself to have. I believed in a lie, when the truth was directly in front of my face. The only reason I ever pulled back and tried to better myself was for a savior. A guy who became one of my closest friends saved me, in a time when I didn't even realize I needed to be saved.
While you spat the cruel words and lifted your hands to me, I was most scared of myself. I couldn't get myself to leave. I didn't feel my worth or believed that there was better for me in the world. I was young, and naïve, and had been so carefree. I was now destroyed, damaged, hurt, used, abused.
Years later, I still don't discuss the details of this past that I have. I refuse to lay my every thought and emotion out for the world. I am scared to be so vulnerable again. No matter what anyone says to me, I know how evil someone can become and I am scared that the person who is truly genuine will be pushed away by my own fears and worries. My future could be so bright and is still so bright, but I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to open my heart and eyes to what I could have. I am capable of disallowing the past from defining my future, but I don't know how to go about this. I am lost, in a sea of misery, and I am struggling.
Friends tell me all of the time that they are there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them. When they need me to open up about my past, I don't know how I can tear down my walls and let them in.
It's the figurative walls that I have built around me that keeps me from actually opening up to people. I'm an outgoing person, but I am not a welcoming person. While I have plenty of friends around me and plenty of people interested in creating a future with me, I am incapable of having their hopes and feelings become mutual with my own.
I'm a girl who needed to become a fighter in order for me to get away from him. Even though he is gone and the fight is over, I am still holding the spear, ready to utilize it. I'm still fighting, a fight that isn't even there.
But I'm done fighting. I'm done with the walls. It's well past time to trust the people who have proved their loyalty. It is time for me to prove my loyalty and trust to them. I owe my friends and family that much. I need to talk about my past so that I can move on and have a brighter future. It's time for me to be the strong, loving, outgoing, funny girl that I once was.
I will come back from my past and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side, no matter how difficult it may have been at times. I do appreciate your never-ending love, support, encouragement, and friendship.
God bless.
Monday, August 24, 2015
I'M BROKEN.
Such a sweet girl, always smiling and taking advantage of
each and every opportunity to meet someone new, make a new friend. She was
carefree, seeking adventures and never worrying about anything too much. She
was happy, beautiful, kind and crazy.
That girl is now gone and you are to blame. You could see in
my eyes and my heart who I was and you permitted yourself to destroy me, for
your own selfish reasons. I never intended to allow our relationship to last
past summer, but you convinced me to stay and try to make things work. I was
going through a new milestone of my life, my first year in college, and you
knew I wanted to embrace the entire experience. You knew what my goals were and
you manipulated me into thinking that following my dreams and enjoying myself
was somehow equal to betraying you. You stole the precious time I had in my new
adventure and you didn’t even think twice about it.
I tried. I tried so hard, every single day, every single
minute. I waited by the phone when I should have been out with friends. I sat
worrying and overthinking about our relationship and our issues while you ignored
me.
I don’t think you even realize how much damage you caused.
While you have begun a relationship with someone else, you have still reached
out to me, trying to persuade me to grant you one more chance. How sick of an
individual you are. After betraying me, you are already betraying someone else.
I am broken. I can’t open myself up and even though I try to
let others in, I have built my walls too high. I am surrounded by water on an
island. People are continuously paddling their way across the water to get to
me, to get to know me. I’m disregarding them and I’m completely aware I’m doing
so. I know I’m hurting them, and I don’t think they realize that I’m hurting
myself, too.
When will my heart be healed again? When will my heart be
able to open up to someone?
I don’t know.
These experiences, these mistakes, they’re all helping me
become a better person. I’m strong and I’m capable of loving again. It’s time for
me to stop allowing my fears to hold me back from life. It’s time to return to
being the person I once was. It’s time to smile, genuinely smile and feel true
happiness and love. It’s time to enjoy life, as best I can, while I can.
Life is too short to allow someone, especially someone like
you, to hold me back. My wings are free and I’m ready to fly into my new
adventure, my new chapter of my life.
I’m Sarah. I’ve been hurt before and I’m still hurting. I’m
no longer going to allow my past to hold me back from the future. It’s time to
be me, the best me that I can be.
Friday, August 7, 2015
MY CONFESSIONS
The true me is a soul that's been tortured with the painful reminders of a brutal past. Until recently, I have been stuck in the nightmares of who I used to be and what I used to permit myself to endure. My life lacked value years ago so much so that I didn't believe I was actually worth more than what I was getting. One man's abusive remarks led me to neglect the morals, values, and self-concept that I had previously held. I allowed myself to be a victim. But, I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
I confess that it was and still is my responsibility to obtain the respect that I deserve for myself. It was my duty to protect myself from the pain that he caused. Rather than hold true to myself, I allowed him to get inside my head and influence my every move. I became a slave to his unreasonable demands and I didn't even realize that I had lost sight of myself before it was too late.
I confess I fell into a false idea of love and convinced myself that I was happy. This is what I had longed for...a picture perfect relationship. I was supposed to be happy, right? "Maybe if I smile, the pain will go away..."
I confess that I love myself. I love the person who I am today. I am carefree, crazy, blessed, and above all, I am happy. I may not have all the confidence in the world and there are a million things I want to change about myself. I want to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, work harder, dream bigger, and love deeper. However, I am young. I'm still taking my first steps into adulthood and despite every mistake I make, I know that I am becoming the person I want to be. I may not have a million friends surrounding me, but I have enough genuine friends to support me, love me, and who are truly there when I need them to be. At the end of the day, I can fall asleep knowing that there will be a brighter tomorrow.
I confess that I am strong. No matter what situation I find myself in, I know that I am strong enough to not only get through it, but thrive. I am no longer weak and incapable of defending myself. I know my worth and I have the courage to stand up to anyone to fight for myself. For so long, I waited for him to fight for me. I didn't realize that I was the one who needed to rise up for myself.
These are my confessions. I confess that I make mistakes and that I can be wrong. I confess that I am not the perfect person in the world and that I'm flawless. I confess that that's okay though. I confess that I am who I am. These are the cards I was dealt and it's my duty to give myself the life, happiness, and love that I desire.
I confess that it was and still is my responsibility to obtain the respect that I deserve for myself. It was my duty to protect myself from the pain that he caused. Rather than hold true to myself, I allowed him to get inside my head and influence my every move. I became a slave to his unreasonable demands and I didn't even realize that I had lost sight of myself before it was too late.
I confess I fell into a false idea of love and convinced myself that I was happy. This is what I had longed for...a picture perfect relationship. I was supposed to be happy, right? "Maybe if I smile, the pain will go away..."
I confess that I love myself. I love the person who I am today. I am carefree, crazy, blessed, and above all, I am happy. I may not have all the confidence in the world and there are a million things I want to change about myself. I want to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, work harder, dream bigger, and love deeper. However, I am young. I'm still taking my first steps into adulthood and despite every mistake I make, I know that I am becoming the person I want to be. I may not have a million friends surrounding me, but I have enough genuine friends to support me, love me, and who are truly there when I need them to be. At the end of the day, I can fall asleep knowing that there will be a brighter tomorrow.
I confess that I am strong. No matter what situation I find myself in, I know that I am strong enough to not only get through it, but thrive. I am no longer weak and incapable of defending myself. I know my worth and I have the courage to stand up to anyone to fight for myself. For so long, I waited for him to fight for me. I didn't realize that I was the one who needed to rise up for myself.
These are my confessions. I confess that I make mistakes and that I can be wrong. I confess that I am not the perfect person in the world and that I'm flawless. I confess that that's okay though. I confess that I am who I am. These are the cards I was dealt and it's my duty to give myself the life, happiness, and love that I desire.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Soldier Returns Home
I'm blessed. I am healthy, happy, but most importantly, I'm complete again. No, my life isn't magically fixed and nothing in my life is perfect. It's the imperfection in my life that is what has me in a state of absolute bliss lately. I'm content with how wrong everything seems to be. My brother, after serving in the United States Army for the past nine years has officially returned. This time, there is no deadline or pressure. Every second is forced to be enjoyed as the time ticks away until we need to take him, once again, to the airport for an emotional, heartbreaking goodbye. He's home. For good. I'm blessed to say that after three deployments overseas and nine years of a roller coaster ride, my brother has returned safe and, for the most part, healthy and happy. Despite the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and possible severe back issues, his smile has still never faded and his laughter still fills a room.
I am so thankful that he is here with me. I understand that although I am elated to have him return safely, I know that there are still Army sisters out there who aren't as fortunate as me. It's for this reason that I remind myself everyday how blessed I really am. I don't and won't ever take for granted his presence.
Today, he's okay. Tomorrow, he may be upset, angry, recalling his traumatic experiences he has, but today, he's doing well.
To all those who have lost loved ones in the military, I want you to know how thankful I am for their ultimate sacrifice. My prayers and thoughts are with all those with loved ones in the military. Have faith and stay strong!
To those serving, I could never thank you enough for your sacrifices, your unwillingness to stop fighting, and your pride. You are not forgotten, nor will you ever be.
Thank you. God bless.
I am so thankful that he is here with me. I understand that although I am elated to have him return safely, I know that there are still Army sisters out there who aren't as fortunate as me. It's for this reason that I remind myself everyday how blessed I really am. I don't and won't ever take for granted his presence.
Today, he's okay. Tomorrow, he may be upset, angry, recalling his traumatic experiences he has, but today, he's doing well.
To all those who have lost loved ones in the military, I want you to know how thankful I am for their ultimate sacrifice. My prayers and thoughts are with all those with loved ones in the military. Have faith and stay strong!
To those serving, I could never thank you enough for your sacrifices, your unwillingness to stop fighting, and your pride. You are not forgotten, nor will you ever be.
Thank you. God bless.
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