In just a few months, it'll be a year since I went through the biggest life-changing moment thus far. Having you and shortly thereafter losing you...that's something I can't just move on from. By now, I thought I'd have forgotten all about it but I can't and I refuse to. In the short time of your life, you changed me and played a larger role in my life that I had ever anticipated. Even though I never was able to meet you, or feel you, I feel you now in my heart more than ever.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for this. There are no words to make the pain go away, nor is there anything that could lead me to forget you. After months of anger, confusion, denial, pain, sadness, anxiety, and so forth, I can honestly say now that you were the greatest blessing for me.
You changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do before. You made me realize how strong I truly am. In the moment that I learned of you, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I had to utilize the strength that I had hidden. I was your support system and at that moment, nothing else needed my attention more.
Then, just a few tragic days later, you were gone. It seemed as though you hadn't existed, but you did and you do. You are as much a part of me today as you were back then. I now know that you were mine and you are mine...always. I will never be the same person I was before and I'm okay with that. The person who I am today is more determined and stronger than I ever could have bene before. For the first time ever, I truly feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than it ever has before.
So, to my sweet angel, may you always feel the love I have for you...forever and always.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
GOAL ACHIEVED
Clearly, I've neglected this blog the past few months as I not only embrace the precious days of summer but also work endlessly in the hopes of decreasing the substantial college debt I face.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
MY MOST PERSONAL POST YET
How does one begin to write about a past life event that one cannot even express through words? How do you unleash the most private secret you have? How do I share such a huge tragedy without making myself seem damaged, fragile, and emotionally unstable?
I don't know, but here's my most genuine attempt.
It's just after Christmas time, but joy still radiates through my little world. I am surrounded by family, reunited after months. Laughter fills each room. I've never felt more blessed.
The smile on my face hides the very deep fear underlying it. We are taught from an early age that fear is a sign of weakness. Therefore, I believe that I am weak for being absolutely petrified. After 1 1/2 months, Mother Nature's monthly visit should have arrived and gone. Immediately, I claim responsibility despite the fact that someone else is at just as much fault. My boyfriend. But it's my body. He can leave at his heart's desire with no further care for this. I, on the other hand, face one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
I am only 20 years old, halfway through my second year of college. I have goals and ambition. I've only been with him for a few months so am I really willing to take a chance and hope he'll be there? What if he leaves? Am i really prepared to do this alone?
My heart pounds as I stare at the stick wanting the results to appear. I am so still that a whisper would have given me a heart attack. I'm alone, in this potential life-changing moment. I had informed him what I was doing today but his lack of communication showed me how detached he was from this grueling reality. I am alone. Just as I've always been.
At last, my biggest fear becomes my reality. I stare at the one word "Pregnant" wishing to see "Not" in front of it. Praying to see it. But it never comes. I fall numb as fears race through my mind. I am on a roller coaster of emotion, but above all, I'm scared.
Three more tests are taken, all claiming that I'm not pregnant. I know my body and I know these tests are wrong. A doctor appointment a few days later confirms that the three tests are incorrect, making it official that I no longer am thinking solely of myself. I'm no longer alone.
Night after night, I find myself crying in bed writing to this unborn child. But these writings are all soon discarded. I am sad but I am very angry. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. I had told him how the others had abandoned me in my times of need. Here he was now doing the same.
But I couldn't think about him. I had someone else to consider.
One day, everything changes again. I pride myself on knowing my body well. I knew something had happened. Another visit to the doctor confirms my suspicions.
The baby is gone. I am completely alone in this world again. They say nature has a way of working itself out as intended. I suppose it's a bittersweet blessing. Nature made the call before I needed to.
This allowed me to release a toxic person from my life. It allowed me to experience happiness again, even though I endured and still endure the pain associated with a miscarriage.
My life will never be the same again...
Sunday, May 1, 2016
LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!
A few days ago, a close friend said something that completely got my mind thinking. The irony in what he said is that he's going to soon be getting married to one of my best friends. I was sitting in the living room of their new apartment, discussing the future as they were on the road to the rest of their life. While they discussed marriage, weddings, and having children, I couldn't help but examine my own life and how still it seemed. With a number of failed relationships and failed attempts toward serious commitments, I realized that my life is actually moving pretty rapidly and I wasn't even realizing it. No, I am not dating anyone steadily. No, I am not engaged. No, I am not making plans with anyone for the future.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
WHAT NOW? WHERE TO NOW?
As I prepare to conclude my second year of college, I can not stress enough just how blessed I am to not only have the privilege and ability to attend this amazing college, but I'm also fortunate for the opportunities that have been provided to me. I can honestly say that I have learned so much more about myself and my future plans than I have ever before.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.
God bless.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.
God bless.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
SILENTLY SCREAMING FOR HELP
It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.
It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.
My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.
I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.
At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...
It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.
My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.
I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.
At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...
Sunday, April 3, 2016
AM I THE ONLY HELP FOR MYSELF!?
I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I am stuck in a hole trying to climb out, but no one can see me. I am crying, but no one is hugging me and telling me that everything will soon be okay. I am alone, and for the first time ever, I'm actually scared of this fact.
For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.
No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.
I need someone.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.
For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.
No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.
I need someone.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.
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