LOSING YOU!?

If you thought that losing you would be the most difficult thing I would have to go through, you would be wrong. Losing you was easy in comparison to the emotional burden I've carried for far too long.

It's not that I wasn't sad or disappointed in the failure of our relationship. It's not that I didn't miss the few amazing moments we shared. It's not that I didn't care when you would cross my mind. I did miss you. Seeing those daily reminders of what we had, even if it had only been for a few months, was emotionally stressful. I consistently questioned my decision to end the relationship. Just the mere sight of a semi-truck was enough to make me question my decision. I wanted you back, but I also wanted to be alone. I needed time to myself to think and recover from the emotional torment I endured with you.

Hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship allows you to reflect and truly identify where your unhappiness and discontentment derived from. As I sit here writing and reflecting now, I am sick and horrified of the person I was when I was with you. Possibly without even meaning to, you took my every worry and fear as grounds to further destroy my confidence and self-image. In my heart, I want to believe that you have the best intentions. Regardless, though, I was emotionally drained from the little comments you would make.

This time apart has granted me the opportunity to find myself again. It's granted me the chance to reconnect with friends who have made several comments, in regards to how happier I seem. It's allowed me to become closer with my family, who have offered nothing but support and love as I make this endeavor to be the best me that I can be. Blessed. I am astoundingly more blessed than I have ever realized before. Losing you made me realize that I have some amazing, god-sent friends and family by my side, willing to drop everything to be there for me in my times of need. I am happy and I am blessed.

Losing you happened simultaneously to making a decision on another aspect of my life that has caused me the most pain and the most sadness. In these past few months, I have been reminded of something in my past that I had been running from, without even knowing. I thought that I had come to terms with the truth of this incident, but, in reality, I was scared and I was on the run. Far be it for me to grasp to religion, but God's plan makes perfect sense to me now. I needed to fall completely apart so I could come back together. I needed to face the reality of what I went through. Above all, I needed to finalize a decision that was troubling my mind non-stop, every single minute of my life. Although many of my closest friends disapprove of my ultimate decision in this situation, I know that I made the right choice for me. It may not be what I want to see happen, but it's what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life. I need to gain control of my life, once again, and truly discover who I am and what I deserve.

So, no, losing you wasn't hard, in comparison to the tremendous battle that I have been forced to fully come to terms with. I'll always deal with this, but losing you isn't something I'll always struggle with. I can move on from you, but I can't move on from the tormenting past. I am strong. I truly believe that God only puts you through experiences He knows you can handle. For this reason, I know that I am okay. I may not be okay right now, but I will be.
Happiness is just around the corner, and I am both hopeful and excited for what the future has in store for me.

God bless.