Soldier Returns Home

I'm blessed. I am healthy, happy, but most importantly, I'm complete again. No, my life isn't magically fixed and nothing in my life is perfect. It's the imperfection in my life that is what has me in a state of absolute bliss lately. I'm content with how wrong everything seems to be. My brother, after serving in the United States Army for the past nine years has officially returned. This time, there is no deadline or pressure. Every second is forced to be enjoyed as the time ticks away until we need to take him, once again, to the airport for an emotional, heartbreaking goodbye. He's home. For good. I'm blessed to say that after three deployments overseas and nine years of a roller coaster ride, my brother has returned safe and, for the most part, healthy and happy. Despite the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and possible severe back issues, his smile has still never faded and his laughter still fills a room.
I am so thankful that he is here with me. I understand that although I am elated to have him return safely, I know that there are still Army sisters out there who aren't as fortunate as me. It's for this reason that I remind myself everyday how blessed I really am. I don't and won't ever take for granted his presence.
Today, he's okay. Tomorrow, he may be upset, angry, recalling his traumatic experiences he has, but today, he's doing well.
To all those who have lost loved ones in the military, I want you to know how thankful I am for their ultimate sacrifice. My prayers and thoughts are with all those with loved ones in the military. Have faith and stay strong!
To those serving, I could never thank you enough for your sacrifices, your unwillingness to stop fighting, and your pride. You are not forgotten, nor will you ever be.
Thank you. God bless.

A Fear of Love

Am I considered a fool for believing the perfect arrangement of the sweet words you spoke to me? Am I considered the idiot for trusting that you could obtain my fragile heart?
In the peacefulness surrounding us in the middle of a summer night, I opened my mind and my hear to you, entrusting that I was putting my love and trust into someone who was doing the same to me. I was the brave, courageous one for allowing myself to open up and tear down the walls that I had worked so long to build up. I saw kindness in your eyes, that were so quickly willing and able to change to evil. Had I known then what I do now, I would not be the same damaged heart that I am now. I am difficult to get to know, because I have my walls so high. For fear of being hurt, I keep only a select few close to me. It's in these people that I find the most happiness from my life, but it's in this state that I am the most lonely.
Ideally, I am open to meeting new people and interested in learning just what can happen when the walls disappear. However, I am Rapunzel, stuck in a tower, too scared and too naïve of my own misery to realize that the grass can be greener on the other side.
Unless, I am wrong. Maybe I'm not as scared as I believe that I am. Maybe, rather than being afraid that it's worse outside the walls, maybe I am scared of the exact opposite. Maybe the deep, harsh truth is that I'm scared because I know it's better. I am more afraid to open my heart to greater things than of being scared that it won't be what I expect it to be.
It's in this miserable stage of my life that I am, once again. I, like many other females my age, have opened my heart to only have it shut down again...this time, with a stronger lock on it.
It was easy for me to convince myself that I am afraid of getting hurt, but I've been hurt before. I've been kicked down and I've gotten right back up again. I've become stronger. Why would I really fear this?
The only logical conclusion for this confusion and misery in my life that I can consider is that I'm afraid that I will find pure happiness. I'm not afraid that it'll end; I'm afraid that it will never end. The true commitment in someone that I long for is what is actually holding me back from embracing life and its crazy adventures.
I can't stay away from the desire of happiness forever. I will open my heart again and I will let someone into my life. I will unleash the secrets that I have held so dear to me.
One day, I will love again.

My Father aka My Hero

To my father with whom I love with the entirety of my heart.

Words don't have the ability to ever express to you how thankful I am to have you in my life. You have done more than just raise me to be who I am today. You work harder than any other person I have ever met in the world. Even after working a twelve hour day, you return home to sit in front of the TV in the living room still working hard until you decide to fall asleep and repeat the very next day. Your hard work ethic has inspired me to always give it my all in everyday life and never give up. When you were released from a previous job, you made the risky decision to start your own small business as an energy consultant. At the time, you had a middle school age son along with two younger children. Even though there was an evident chance of complete failure, you gambled and succeeded. You never gave up, you knew what you wanted, and you strived to achieve just that. In doing so, you not only provided for your family of five, but you taught us all an important lesson of going after a dream and not giving up.

When the entire world is collapsing around me and I feel kicked down to the ground, you offer a hand. You help me back to two feet and remind me that I am not done just yet with the fight. With your advice and encouragement, I stand back up and continue to fight for what I want.

Although I may not tell you every single day as I should, I hope you know that I love you. I really do appreciate all that you have done for the family, but most importantly for me. I am where I am today because of you. You always used to tell me that your goal was always to provide a better life for your children than you had. It's with this in mind that you made the decisions you did. I hope you know that it didn't go unnoticed. I see the struggles you face and I admire as you tackle each one.

I hope you know that everything I do in my life is in an effort to make you proud. I want to show you that I have learned from you and I have taken your advice into deep consideration. I want to provide for my future children what you have provided me with.

Dad, I love you so much and I hope that one day, my child will look at me the way that I look up to you. May you never go a day without seeing how appreciated and admired you are. But most importantly of all, I hope you know that you are the greatest father I could ever hope for. I'm so honored and blessed to have you as a positive male role model. I love you, Dad.



Strength, Power, and Love

Imagine yourself in a perfect moment of pure bliss, happiness, and joy with someone who you truly love and desire to spend the rest of your life with. You are innocent, vulnerable, especially after having relinquished all of the defenses you put against yourself in an effort to protect from any, if not all, negativity. Now, imagine that the person whom you have trusted more than anyone else has betrayed you. Maybe they lied, cheated, stole from you, etc. Regardless, you are now destroyed, left lying on the ground. Your desperate calls for help are ignored as he walks away, emotionless. You have given your heart to someone else who has destroyed it and broken it.
This is the pain that I have experienced far too many times. In truth, I have willingly subjected myself to this terrible treatment. I was naïve in believing that you could be the different man that I have been longing for. As it turned out, my eagerness to find happiness and love someone has just once again crumbled to the ground, leaving me broken and hopeless.
I don't understand how you can see how fragile my heart was. I gave it to you already damaged, but mended. You heard my darkest secrets, my painful, dark past, my great moments, everything. Yet, rather than showing me what a true man is, you showed me exactly what I already knew, further helping me believe that every man is like this. After going through so much, where am I supposed to gather hope to believe that someone could actually be different? I know I am not the only girl in the world who is fearful of every man I meet because I find myself waiting for them to betray me, rather than trying to see the good in them.
As a new year begins though, I want to remember the past, not forget it. I want to embrace my story because it's led me to be the person that I am today. I strive to achieve strength, power, and love this year. No matter what heartbreaks, disappointments, failures, and mistakes I may endure this year, I want to come out of each obstacle in my way with a smile on my face, strength in my heart, and hope for the future. I want to look at each of these failing moments as a chance for a lesson to be learned. I want to stand up for myself and obtain the power needed to make decisions for myself. In a seemingly selfish way, I want to put myself first and protect my heart from another disappointment. I am supposed to protect myself and I have failed, in many ways, to do so. This year, I want to gain power...the power to decide for myself what I want to do and the power to accept others into my life and expel those that don't appreciate, support, or help me in any way.
Lastly, I want to open my heart. I want to put aside my selfish instincts in this sense and help others who need it. I want to offer what little I do have and change someone else's day, week, month, or even their year. I want to make a difference in this world, or at the very least, I want to make a difference in someone else's world. I want to accept love and trust someone enough to not hurt me. I want to love those around me and show them just how much I appreciate having them in my life.
I am so blessed to have the people, things, and opportunities in my life that I do. This year, in 2015, I want to embrace every challenge with an open heart, strength, and the power to know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I am stronger, more powerful, and more capable of love than I think I am. This year will be different for me.

Veteran's Day

 

It was a little over seven years ago that my entire normalcy of family and life completely changed when my older brother enlisted in the United States Army: Infantry. At the young age of twelve years old, I was naïve and unaware of how this decision would impact me. I was in a fantasy, adoring the attention I received when I told people that my brother was soon off to boot camp. This amazing feeling I received from my newly found fame soon faded away as the harsh reality set in.

Being an Army sister is not a desirable life by any means, but it is my life. I've decided to embrace the positive moments and appreciate those rather than dwell in the negativity associated with the military. I cling to hope, hope for seeing my brother again as well as hope that every other military family in the country will see their loved ones as well.

I belong to a family, different from my immediate family and different than any other family I could possibly create in the world. Members of this family include other military family members, such as military wives, sisters, mothers, fathers, children.

Veteran's Day is something I celebrate each and everyday, not just for one day in November. It means more to me, as someone who has close affiliations with the military. Today is in honor of each and every man and woman who sacrificed everything for the freedom of this country. They are the brave souls who took the responsibility and signed away their life so that Americans can appreciate these freedoms, most take for granted. Today is the day to appreciate these soldiers, who we don't for the other 364 days of the year. Veteran's Day should be recognized as everyday.

While we are irritated that we must go into work at 7 a.m., some troops overseas have been up for weeks without any sleep. When we get frustrated and claim our day is ruined due to traffic, U.S. soldiers are watching their best friends, their brothers, die in front of them. As we complain about an employee of a restaurant getting our food wrong, some soldiers are praying that they'll have a meal tonight. While we gather at holidays and complain of our family members, men and women in the military are praying and hoping that they'll be able to meet their son/daughter or see their family at some point.

Appreciate all that you are blessed with in your life. Count your blessings. Never forget the men and women making the largest sacrifices for our freedoms.

Happy Veteran's Day!

My Savior

For the past few days, I have been in a debate with myself over where to continue with my story. Should I discuss who I am today before resorting back to my past and how it's shaped me into the person that I am today? Should I discuss the anxiety, stress, fear, worry, and panic I experienced after the months that I lost everything that I had known as normal?
I've ultimately decided to dedicate this next blog solely to the one man who I can always count on, who has never let me down, who encourages me, who loves me unconditionally, who has showed me that every single guy in the world will hurt me.
You are my savior, in more ways than I could ever repay you.
From my first encounter with my reality, lying in between the bed sheets with my boyfriend at the time and my best friend at that time, you escorted me out of the room, out of the house, out of the harsh reality. You stayed by my side, listening to me vent, allowing me to cry on your shoulder, and lean on you for support. You said all the right things to make me forget what I was dealing with. For those brief, precious moments, I began to fall in love with you. It didn't even matter that my makeup was smeared down my face and I was hyperventilating. You were just there.
When I continued to put the pieces of a broken relationship together, you were at my side, helping me gather the pieces and attempt to fit them together. Even though you told me he wasn't worth it, that I deserved more, you still remained there, even offering your aid in mending something already past the point of being fixable.
I never had to explain myself to you, never had to unveil my deepest dark secrets, as you already knew them. You lived them with me, you saw firsthand how quickly my life was falling apart. You refrained from judging me. I can't tell you enough, no matter how many words I place in this blog, just how much I really do appreciate you.
Thank you for making me stronger, for giving me the courage when I needed it the most, for never losing faith in me, for never giving up.
Brett, you have guided me through my roller coaster ride of an insane life. No matter how easy I made it for you to walk away, you never did.
No one will ever understand the relationship we have and that's okay. Some days, we're best friends, some days were enemies, and other days we act like we're married. We yell, we scream, we love, we laugh. You may turn your head away from me, but you've never and will never turn your back on me. I will move on with my life, make mistakes, fall in and out of love, attempt to make some sense of this crazy world, but ultimately, I will always run back to you. Thank you for being my best friend, my hater, my lover, my rock to lean on, my shoulder to cry on, my twin, my polar opposite, my Brett.

What is Love?

I was in seventh grade, an awkward time of life, when I met a boy who would become my first boyfriend. Under the influence of alcohol, I thought he was a gem. He seemed so sweet, so caring, so nice, so thoughtful, so Prince Charming perfect that I allowed these misperceptions to guide my feet toward him.
It's here that I feel I should take a brief pause in this story. I was a middle school student, envious of all of the emerging relationships surrounding me at that time. I was awkward, embarrassed of all the changes suddenly occurring to my body. I was a troubled, innocent girl with a deep desire for the "love" I saw everywhere I looked. After growing up with stories of Disney princesses finding "the one" upon first eye contact, I was brainwashed into thinking this is how love occurs. Granted, I didn't consider my young adolescence and its factor in this but, regardless, I was on a mission to pursue this perfect love story.
Let's resume, back to the high school party I was at. Yes, I was a seventh grader at a high school party, never mind that fact. Anyway, we approached each other and within seconds, I had accomplished my first kiss. Looking back, it's not that I regret the quick step of my first kiss. At the time, I was on Cloud 9, feeling invincible. My shy personality was overshadowed by the liquor and I was in love. I felt so head over heels for someone that it wasn't until he pulled away that my brief fantasy ended. "What's your name, sweetie?"
Sweetie? That's something my mother would call me. Still believing this love story, I smiled and told him, "Sarah." He told me his name was Kyle. I spent the remainder of the crazy night right by his side, following him around, proud to have my arm linked with his. Envious girls turned and displayed faces of disgust that this perfect, charming man was now taken.
This love story soon faded in reality, although I, myself, didn't realize it had. We were exclusive, or so he told me. I remained faithful, somewhat like a puppy dog obeying his every command. This is how it worked, right? This is what love is, right? He would go off with his friends, but I would stay at home. Kyle explained that it was disrespectful of me to hang out with my friends, particularly of the opposite sex. Yet, I never dared to question who he was hanging out with.
My best friend, Alexis, and her boyfriend of the time would come out with Kyle and me on a regular basis. I felt so much more older, more mature, more respected by random strangers when the four of us would go out on double dates or to parties. It was like my love story would never end. Little did I know, Alexis would surely play a part in destroying this peaceful lie I was living.
What is love?
Is it this fantasy I was living or was it something more? Upon the first time I had ever seen Kyle, surrounded by girls of all ages but all similarly beautiful, I should have seen the red flags being thrown in the air, warning me to walk away. I was captivated. This curiosity brought me to walk directly up to this god-like man. Is this how it happens, love I mean? Does it come randomly, quickly, granting you confidence to walk up but making you self-conscious the longer you're in it? What is love?