Daveeeeed

Dear Daveeed, 

I miss you. 

I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Then again, I never thought I'd have to miss you. You'd always been there, ever since I met you. You were always just a short drive to our favorite bar away, for just a drink, a game of pool, a conversation. I could always call you, regardless of the day, time, what you were doing, what I was doing. If I needed advice, you would give it to me even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. If I just needed a drink, you'd just reply saying that you'd meet me at our bar in 15 minutes.

When I invited you to my pool party, I had no idea how much that would strengthen our friendship. Laughter...drinks... memories. You played guitar and piano for me. We drank shots. Laughed. You bonded with my family and friends. You were so comfortable in any situation you were in. 

When I texted you one random Friday morning telling you how much I wanted a vacation, we had a hotel booked hours later. When you came to my house to pick me up, you just laughed at the sight of me bringing a suitcase, a backpack, and an additional bag for a weekend getaway to the Wisconsin Dells. 

You never failed to make me laugh, no matter what mood I was in. No matter where we were, what we were doing, I was always laughing hysterically. 

So it's no surprise that the last 3 months without you have been 3 of the loneliest months I've ever had. 

The first month you were gone, I cried every single day. The smallest thing could set it off. A friend sending me a text informing me that he/she was thinking of me was enough to send me into my bedroom for hours, crying uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do with myself. The mundane tasks of daily life no longer seemed to carry any importance to me. My room was a mess. Laundry was all over the floor, begging to be washed. My bed sheets were scattered throughout the bed and one the floor. My bedside table had a collection of assorted cups of water, none finished. Even drinking didn't seem like a necessity anymore. I neglected almost everything. I felt like everything was falling apart. Nothing was bringing my joy anymore. I was going through the motions, but not truly living. It felt like I was just surviving... giving myself just enough food to satisfy my hunger. 

As time went by, and another month came and went, I felt it getting more "normal." The tears weren't coming down my face as often as they had. It was getting easier to be at our bar, without you there. I still find myself searching the bar for your familiar face and then my heart sinks when reality sets back in and I remember that I won't see your face there again. 

It's been almost three months now without you. So much has happened and changed in my life. 

I want to tell you about how well I'm doing with my job. I want to tell you that I got a raise in January and I'm getting another one next month, in April. I want to tell you that I'm slowly but surely finding myself again. I'm appreciating the small things and showing my love to family and friends more often. I'm trying to live like you did. Fast. Furious. I don't want to let my anxiety keep me from doing what I love. 

Losing you has changed me forever. My heart breaks at the thought of all the memories we'll never make. The trips we'll never go on. The conversations we won't have. The pool games we won't play. The shots of tequila we won't do together. The hugs I won't get from you unexpectedly.

Life has a rude way of letting someone turn their lives completely around for the better, only to take it away after a very short, but well-lived 31 years. When you left, you took a little piece of everyone you ever knew with them. 

I am so grateful for the memories we made, the laughs we shared, and the love, respect and friendship we had. You taught me how to live like you were dying. You taught me the value of life and the importance of doing what you want to do while you are able to. 

Save a tequila shot for me up there, guy. 

Love you Daveeed.

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

It's been almost two months since you took your last breath here on this Earth. In some ways, it feels like it's only been a day and in other ways, it feels like it's been years.

Death is strange. I knew the day would come that you would no longer be here, but I didn't know just how soon the day would be that I would lose you. 

The day that I received the call informing me that you had passed... I will never forget that day. I had just ordered a sub from the marketplace in the Union of my University. I had taken a bite or two and then noticed that I had a missed voicemail from my Mom. When I listened to it, it was my aunt, asking me to call her or my mom as soon as I could. Right away, I dialed my mom's number, thinking that something bad had happened to my mom. Was it a car accident? Had she experienced a heart attack?

My mom answered the phone and calmly told me that "Grandma passed away this morning." Those five words hit me like a brick. I was shocked. I didn't know what was going on. My mom was clearly devastated. I lied right away and told my mom that I was done with class for the day (I wasn't; I had one more class at 12:40 PM). I offered to drive down. My mom told me not to, saying that she didn't know what was going on or when the funeral would be. She then told me that the priest had entered the room she was in and so she needed to go. I hung up the phone, and looked down to my sub. Do I continue eating it? How can I go to class with this news? Should I tell someone? I need to go. I need to go down to Milwaukee. I need to be with my family. I need to go. Right now. First, I need to tell my work. It'll make it more real. I need to tell them I won't be coming to work tomorrow. I need to go now. I walk down the hallway of the Union to where the Administration office is located. Linda, my "office mom," is busy talking to someone. I stand there for what seems like forever, but realistically was probably only a few minutes. I finally then give up, realizing that I need to just go. As I trek up the hill to the entrance of my building, I begin feeling like I need to cry. Shouldn't I be crying? I just lost my grandma. Is this even real? I enter my bedroom, shut the door, and break down crying. Instantly, I start throwing clothes and toiletries into a blue hamper. I wasn't even sure what I was packing or if anything packed made sense. I just knew that I needed to go. With a few bags packed, I took off for the car. I got in, and began crying hysterically. 

The drive from Oshkosh to Milwaukee is a blur. I just remember crying, asking why, apologizing for not realizing that I didn't have more time. Wishing I could have done more. Knowing I should have done more. I should have called her one more time. I should have gone over and seen her one more time. Was this really the end? And then there's my mom. Oh, I bet she'll be so mad that I am driving down right now. I have school. But does that even matter when I just lost my grandma? While driving, I send a quick text to James, 'My grandma passed away this morning..' I send another text to both Kali and Melissa, 'My grandma passed away this morning. On my way home.' Even after writing it three times, it doesn't feel real. Just as I am north of West Bend, I receive a Facebook message from my cousin Shannon. At the end of the long message, she asks how my mom is doing. For some reason, this confirms exactly what I needed. I need to go down and I need to be with my mother.

When I hit Lannon Road, I call my aunt to confirm that they are at Community Memorial in Menomonee Falls. They're not. They're at Froedtert. My Aunt tries to explain directions to me, where I should park, how I can get to the private family room they are in. I don't listen. I speed to Froedtert, drive toward the main entrance of the hospital, park in the parking garage that I've parked in so many times to visit my Grandma. This time, I won't be going to visit her. I'm going here to say goodbye to her.

I park the car, get out into the hospital, tears rolling down my eyes. I frantically enter each waiting room, anxious to see a familiar face. I don't see them. I call my aunt and she guides me toward the Adult ER waiting room. I enter and don't see them. Frustrated, I turn around and immediately hear my aunt call my name. I run into the private family room where I hug and cry with my dad, my aunt, my uncle, and then enter a room connected to the private family waiting area where my mom is standing beside a hospital bed where my grandma is.

I never knew that I would see the soul-less body of my grandma. I never thought that it would hit me so hard to see the lack of life in her body. It was your time. But why did it have to be so soon? 

I would give anything for one hug from you. One more conversation. One more smile. One more moment. Just one. 

You left and I feel so blessed to know that the last words I spoke to you were "I love you."

Thank you for almost 23 years of unconditional love, endless support, and wonderful memories. Thank you for being the amazing Grandma that you were. Thank you, above all, for bringing a little light into this dark world.

May you rest in peace.

Until we meet again, always and forever,
Your Granddaughter
AKA " (Self-Proclaimed) Number 1 Grandchild" 

I'M READY

Wow, it sure feels weird to sit down once again in the comfort of my room, with just a computer and my thoughts. The only sounds heard are the rhythmic tapping of my fingers upon the keyboard. Ahh...it's so nice to be back in the location where I can ramble my thoughts and opinions, without the quick snapping judgments of those around me. This is my safe place. The safe space I've abandoned for quite some time. Life has a crazy way of doing that to people.

So how exactly do I write this? Do I start by rambling off the series of events that have prevented me from blogging? Do I start off by just detailing one particular event? How do I narrow down the past few months into just one little blog posting. Here goes nothing...

I am only a few short weeks away from becoming a SENIOR in COLLEGE. Three years ago, I was a nervous freshman twirling my hair, searching the surrounding crowds for a familiar face to become a friend. Now, I am grown and matured, having experienced more than I ever imagined I would be experiencing during these critical four years at a university.

This past year has been nothing short of amazing. Although I have been through hardships, loss, lonely nights, confusion, stress, and worry, this past year has also been one of the most life-changing pivotal moments of my life. I have come to love and accept exactly who I am, where I am in life, where I've been, and where I am going in my life. It's taken me almost 22 long years, but finally, Sarah is being Sarah, in the most simplest of terms.

After spending a great half of my life staring into a mirror, crying, wondering why I can't just be happy with myself, I have learned to smile toward the mirror and love the person who is staring back at me. She is strong, she is powerful, she is brave, she is courageous, she is worthy, and she is perfectly imperfect. Not all days do I feel this confident, but most days I do. It took losing so much for me to get to this place. Although I used to be bitter toward certain people in my past, I now feel gracious for the lessons they brought into my life. I have learned to release the negative feelings and thoughts I have for them, and instead, decided to solely learn from them. God brings people into our lives for various reasons, and I now understand that some people were brought into my life just to destroy it...to kick me while I was down...to test my strength. I thank them for doing so. Thank you for making me feel worthless because it taught me how to discover my worth. Thank you for blaming me for all that went wrong in our relationship because it taught me what characteristics I have that I can improve upon. Thank you for leaving. Because it left space for someone far more worthy of being in my life.

The person who I was, just a few months ago, no longer exists in this body. I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I will accomplish. I am proud that I can take all of the negative to make it positive. I am proud that I have the greatest friends and family surrounding me. Above all, I am proud that my past didn't kill me. It didn't win.

I can now say something today that I would have never been able to even think over the past year. I want to be on this Earth. I want to be in this world. I want to meet new people and take on new challenges. I want to experience the vast opportunities that this life has to offer me. I am here for a reason. I know that now. I want to live and be alive.

Embrace your future, my loves. Embrace the happiness and love that surrounds you everyday. Hope...it exists. Possibility...possibility to be happy, to be independent, to break from the chains withholding you from your future...it exists. Go get it.

God bless.

A Heartfelt Letter to a Heartless Person

Weird...it's been almost a year and, yet, it still feels like yesterday in some ways. In other ways, it's as though I've never met you. It's taken me this long to realize that this array of emotions I experience by the thought of you isn't because of any good times we had. We didn't really have too many. The few happy times we did share always ended bad...in one way or another.
For the first time ever, I am just going to admit my true feelings toward you...something I never really did.
First and foremost, I am upset. I am upset that I opened my heart and trusted you. I allowed you to bypass my walls and come into my world. You saw me for exactly who I am. I was nothing but transparent with you. For this reason, I believed I was safe. A false belief, but a belief nonetheless. As my world crashed down around me, I turned to you for guidance and support...I had no idea my solution for this downfall was actually the cause. You did this to me...to my safe space, to my world, to my life. You destroyed it. For that, I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive you.
I am angry. I am mad. I have punched walls and kicked rocks, struggling to understand and struggling to accept what is. For the first time, I felt like I had my life felt out but little did I know, I was losing everything that ever mattered to me. It was a sly, sick game you played with me...leading me to believe you were helping me, caring for me, being there for me. In reality, you left me alone and damaged. It started with your lack of trust, especially with my friends. I permitted you to convince me to push them all away. It wasn't until I only had my family that I realized what you had done. Then, you took away my hopes and dreams for my future. I was so driven, so motivated, so confident and that all changed dramatically. Granted, the blame is on me for allowing you to do so, but how could you do that? You knew what I wanted from life. I spent nights and days rambling on and on about my goals for the future. I wanted to become someone. I wanted to create something. I wanted to improve my life. Then, my life dramatically changed in a way that things will never be how they were. You did the one thing you told me you wouldn't do...leave. You were never there as you said you would be. I am angry because I have had to go through this alone. I have experienced a loss that you have never mentally and emotionally connected with. I am angry because you wake up everyday without the mixed emotions that I do. You can go day in and day out without a single thought about what could have been, but I can't. I felt something that you never did. For that, I am mad.
Peace...I may not be completely in peace, but I do have peace surrounding me. Even though you were never there for me, I have a select few of people around me that have been there every single step of the way through this devastating life experience. I may not be there yet, but I am getting to a place where I can be at peace with how life happened.
Lastly, I have gained the hope that I lost along this horrible journey. For the first time in a year, I feel almost back to myself, a slightly different version. I will never forget the shock I felt when a close friend who went through a similar loss told me that we're "still mothers. Because if we're not, then it's like they never existed." Tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face, I can say that I am stronger than I ever have been before. Although most days, my anxiety rises above anything else, I still feel hope. There is still hope in this broken heart of mine. For that, I am forever grateful and blessed.

God bless.

R.I.P.

In just a few months, it'll be a year since I went through the biggest life-changing moment thus far. Having you and shortly thereafter losing you...that's something I can't just move on from. By now, I thought I'd have forgotten all about it but I can't and I refuse to. In the short time of your life, you changed me and played a larger role in my life that I had ever anticipated. Even though I never was able to meet you, or feel you, I feel you now in my heart more than ever.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for this. There are no words to make the pain go away, nor is there anything that could lead me to forget you. After months of anger, confusion, denial, pain, sadness, anxiety, and so forth, I can honestly say now that you were the greatest blessing for me.
You changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do before. You made me realize how strong I truly am. In the moment that I learned of you, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I had to utilize the strength that I had hidden. I was your support system and at that moment, nothing else needed my attention more.
Then, just a few tragic days later, you were gone. It seemed as though you hadn't existed, but you did and you do. You are as much a part of me today as you were back then. I now know that you were mine and you are mine...always. I will never be the same person I was before and I'm okay with that. The person who I am today is more determined and stronger than I ever could have bene before. For the first time ever, I truly feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than it ever has before.
So, to my sweet angel, may you always feel the love I have for you...forever and always.

GOAL ACHIEVED

Clearly, I've neglected this blog the past few months as I not only embrace the precious days of summer but also work endlessly in the hopes of decreasing the substantial college debt I face.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.

MY MOST PERSONAL POST YET

How does one begin to write about a past life event that one cannot even express through words? How do you unleash the most private secret you have? How do I share such a huge tragedy without making myself seem damaged, fragile, and emotionally unstable?

I don't know, but here's my most genuine attempt.

It's just after Christmas time, but joy still radiates through my little world. I am surrounded by family, reunited after months. Laughter fills each room. I've never felt more blessed.

The smile on my face hides the very deep fear underlying it. We are taught from an early age that fear is a sign of weakness. Therefore, I believe that I am weak for being absolutely petrified. After 1 1/2 months, Mother Nature's monthly visit should have arrived and gone. Immediately, I claim responsibility despite the fact that someone else is at just as much fault. My boyfriend. But it's my body. He can leave at his heart's desire with no further care for this. I, on the other hand, face one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I am only 20 years old, halfway through my second year of college. I have goals and ambition. I've only been with him for a few months so am I really willing to take a chance and hope he'll be there? What if he leaves? Am i really prepared to do this alone?

My heart pounds as I stare at the stick wanting the results to appear. I am so still that a whisper would have given me a heart attack. I'm alone, in this potential life-changing moment. I had informed him what I was doing today but his lack of communication showed me how detached he was from this grueling reality. I am alone. Just as I've always been.

At last, my biggest fear becomes my reality. I stare at the one word "Pregnant" wishing to see "Not" in front of it. Praying to see it. But it never comes. I fall numb as fears race through my mind. I am on a roller coaster of emotion, but above all, I'm scared.

Three more tests are taken, all claiming that I'm not pregnant. I know my body and I know these tests are wrong. A doctor appointment a few days later confirms that the three tests are incorrect, making it official that I no longer am thinking solely of myself. I'm no longer alone.

Night after night, I find myself crying in bed writing to this unborn child. But these writings are all soon discarded. I am sad but I am very angry. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. I had told him how the others had abandoned me in my times of need. Here he was now doing the same.

But I couldn't think about him. I had someone else to consider.

One day, everything changes again. I pride myself on knowing my body well. I knew something had happened. Another visit to the doctor confirms my suspicions.

The baby is gone. I am completely alone in this world again. They say nature has a way of working itself out as intended. I suppose it's a bittersweet blessing. Nature made the call before I needed to.

This allowed me to release a toxic person from my life. It allowed me to experience happiness again, even though I endured and still endure the pain associated with a miscarriage.

My life will never be the same again...

LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!

A few days ago, a close friend said something that completely got my mind thinking. The irony in what he said is that he's going to soon be getting married to one of my best friends. I was sitting in the living room of their new apartment, discussing the future as they were on the road to the rest of their life. While they discussed marriage, weddings, and having children, I couldn't help but examine my own life and how still it seemed. With a number of failed relationships and failed attempts toward serious commitments, I realized that my life is actually moving pretty rapidly and I wasn't even realizing it. No, I am not dating anyone steadily. No, I am not engaged. No, I am not making plans with anyone for the future.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.

WHAT NOW? WHERE TO NOW?

As I prepare to conclude my second year of college, I can not stress enough just how blessed I am to not only have the privilege and ability to attend this amazing college, but I'm also fortunate for the opportunities that have been provided to me. I can honestly say that I have learned so much more about myself and my future plans than I have ever before.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.

God bless.

SILENTLY SCREAMING FOR HELP

It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.

It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.

My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.

I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.

At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?

I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...

AM I THE ONLY HELP FOR MYSELF!?

I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I am stuck in a hole trying to climb out, but no one can see me. I am crying, but no one is hugging me and telling me that everything will soon be okay. I am alone, and for the first time ever, I'm actually scared of this fact.

For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.

No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.

I need someone.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.

RESPECTING YOURSELF

For the longest time, I always thought that I do whatever I can to hold onto people who are already out of  my life because I fear having no one by my side. It wasn't until recently that I realized how wrong this thought truly is.
It's not that I'm afraid to have nobody by me when I need someone the most. I've been there before, and although I didn't have anyone, I was and am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. So being alone is not what I fear. Not being accepted isn't what I fear.
It's actually not about fear at all.
What it truly comes down to is respect.
I haven't respected myself enough to recognize that the only people I need in my life are people who make effort to be in my life.

This is all changing today. It's beyond time for me to respect myself enough to realize that I deserve to be treated better than certain people have been treating me. I respect myself and therefore, I am not going to chase and beg for people to stay in mmy life. People who truly want a part of my life will do whatever they can to be there. Those who don't want to be in my life won't be.

Respect yourself and know your worth. Know and recognize what you deserve and do not settle for less...ever.

God bless.

LOSING YOU!?

If you thought that losing you would be the most difficult thing I would have to go through, you would be wrong. Losing you was easy in comparison to the emotional burden I've carried for far too long.

It's not that I wasn't sad or disappointed in the failure of our relationship. It's not that I didn't miss the few amazing moments we shared. It's not that I didn't care when you would cross my mind. I did miss you. Seeing those daily reminders of what we had, even if it had only been for a few months, was emotionally stressful. I consistently questioned my decision to end the relationship. Just the mere sight of a semi-truck was enough to make me question my decision. I wanted you back, but I also wanted to be alone. I needed time to myself to think and recover from the emotional torment I endured with you.

Hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship allows you to reflect and truly identify where your unhappiness and discontentment derived from. As I sit here writing and reflecting now, I am sick and horrified of the person I was when I was with you. Possibly without even meaning to, you took my every worry and fear as grounds to further destroy my confidence and self-image. In my heart, I want to believe that you have the best intentions. Regardless, though, I was emotionally drained from the little comments you would make.

This time apart has granted me the opportunity to find myself again. It's granted me the chance to reconnect with friends who have made several comments, in regards to how happier I seem. It's allowed me to become closer with my family, who have offered nothing but support and love as I make this endeavor to be the best me that I can be. Blessed. I am astoundingly more blessed than I have ever realized before. Losing you made me realize that I have some amazing, god-sent friends and family by my side, willing to drop everything to be there for me in my times of need. I am happy and I am blessed.

Losing you happened simultaneously to making a decision on another aspect of my life that has caused me the most pain and the most sadness. In these past few months, I have been reminded of something in my past that I had been running from, without even knowing. I thought that I had come to terms with the truth of this incident, but, in reality, I was scared and I was on the run. Far be it for me to grasp to religion, but God's plan makes perfect sense to me now. I needed to fall completely apart so I could come back together. I needed to face the reality of what I went through. Above all, I needed to finalize a decision that was troubling my mind non-stop, every single minute of my life. Although many of my closest friends disapprove of my ultimate decision in this situation, I know that I made the right choice for me. It may not be what I want to see happen, but it's what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life. I need to gain control of my life, once again, and truly discover who I am and what I deserve.

So, no, losing you wasn't hard, in comparison to the tremendous battle that I have been forced to fully come to terms with. I'll always deal with this, but losing you isn't something I'll always struggle with. I can move on from you, but I can't move on from the tormenting past. I am strong. I truly believe that God only puts you through experiences He knows you can handle. For this reason, I know that I am okay. I may not be okay right now, but I will be.
Happiness is just around the corner, and I am both hopeful and excited for what the future has in store for me.

God bless.

When One Door Shuts...

Another opens.

Life works in a weird, twisted but yet destined and perfect way. The experiences and memories we have all shape us into who and where we need to be. We're not as independent as we think. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there is some force out there that only allows you to go through things that you can endure.
Sometimes life happens. People leave, memories fade, experiences fail to occur. We fall, we cry, we get back up, we smile. We laugh through the pain and cry through the pain all the same. We're just going through this life unsure of what's coming next but deep down inside all of us, we have faith in what will come. We know that we are strong to face whatever challenges come toward us.
Recently, a door shut in my life. A door that had an abundance of great memories while also full of not-so-good memories. Although it saddens me that the memories will no longer come, I am relieved and blessed to be coming out stronger than ever and prepared to face whatever lies ahead. I am happy and for once I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, carefree, energetic, outgoing, incredible person. For that, I am forever grateful. I have been knocked down and challenged in ways I never imagined I'd be challenged. But through it all, I come out stronger and better than ever. I am not done in this journey of life, nor will I permit someone to convince me that I am. I have so much more to offer the world and I know the world has so much more to offer for me. Whatever lies ahead, whichever road I take to the future, whatever I go through...whether good or bad...I will be ready and I will be happy.
Several months ago, I would have never imagined I'd be still talking to that same person who brought so much joy and so much happiness to my life. People fall apart to sometimes fall back together. Life is unpredictable and although I sometimes crave the chance to see what lies ahead, I am excited by the thought that the future is so unknown. I don't know what will happen in a few weeks when he comes back. I don't know what will come of a bond created over several months, with just the written word creating that bond. But I'm hopeful.

I REFUSE

I refuse...

To be another statistic of an innocent, young, naïve woman who succumbs to the harsh physical and verbal abuse you placed upon me.

To surrender to a fight that I shouldn't be in.

To bow my head in shame as you take the remaining dignity and trust that I once had for myself and for others.

To allow you, a selfish and heartless man, to destroy my entire world.

To allow my heart to be broken, my trust to be gone, and my walls to go up higher and stronger.

To give you the satisfaction you seek that this time, you won the fight.

To withhold my feelings, for fear of the repercussions that may ensue by doing so.

To be a fearful victim, alone in a dark place in this world.

This time, I am going to stand up and use my power that you tried so hard to steal from me. This is my chance, my opportunity to show you that I am not as weak as you forced me to be that night. It was not my fault that this happened. I didn't do anything to justify this sort of abuse to occur. I am not the victim in this awful circumstance. I am the survivor, the fighter, the woman who refuses to allow you the satisfaction of thinking you were successful in ruining my life.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am capable. I am prepared for the challenges ahead. I am prepared for the victory that will eventually come to me.

God bless.

DON'T GO

I know you are struggling in your fight. I know you are determined to find logic in this cruel and harsh situation that you unfortunately are enduring. I want you to know that there is no sense in something so life-changing. There are no answers to the questions you keep asking and there are no simple solutions to make the pain and hurt disappear.
I know giving up seems like not only the easiest option, but your only option.
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that it isn't the only answer. Despite my own struggles to make sense of this brutal world and although I often times struggle to find a reason to continue fighting, I must tell you that the fight will be worth it in the end. I don't know how this story will end or how you will, if ever, make peace with the situation you find yourself in. But I do know that your story isn't complete. I know that you story doesn't deserve to end in any tragic way.
As difficult as it may be, pick the sword back up and lift your head. Face your challenges head on, without fear, but with courage.
Know that you are not alone. I know, at times, you feel alone because nobody can give you the answers you seek. But you aren't alone. No one has the answers, including yourself.

My vow to you is as follows.
I will be there every single step of the way, offering an ear to vent to, a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a sister to laugh with, and a best friend to have beside you. I will be there as you embark on what is presumably and hopefully going to be your only major fight in this world. We have all been in the hole you find yourself in now. There's a way out and you need to have faith that there is. I will be there for the sleepless nights where you need to vent, for the silent moments where you need to cry, and for the times when we decide to throw things across the room out of anger. I will have your back as you face this horrible reality. I am here.
Please don't leave me.
Your life is worth fighting and I hope that you soon realize this.
I love you.
Stay strong.

I CAN DO THIS

Shut yourself in the room. Turn up the music. Grab your laptop. Allow your fingers to write the words that you can't put into words. Become dumb. Punch a pillow. Cry yourself to sleep. Ask yourself "why?" Pray that things will work out. Reminisce on the good times. Sink into the bad times. Fall asleep, by some miracle. Wake up. Repeat.

My life.

The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.

What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.

When did my life become this?

It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...

I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.

I can do this.

TOGETHER

For you, this picture shows three people, happy and quite possibly a little too intoxicated. For me, this picture has a much deeper meaning including a feeling that I've waited what seemed to be an eternity to obtain.
My best friend, my partner-in-crime, my "mother" is one of the few people in this world that I know I can call at any time in my life and she'll do whatever she can to be there for me. Through happiness, joy, sadness, depression, anxiety, good times, bad times, boring times, and crazy times. The friendship that we have built is one that is unbreakable.
Then there's my older brother. Nine years ago, he changed my entire world as I sat innocently, unable to fix the damage caused by his absence. You joining the military was your last resort and my personal worst nightmare. I remember younger me who immediately thought, "Well who's going to be the man in the house with him gone?" For years, I opened your heartbreaking letters and emails. I sat by the phone hoping you might call. Every car that pulled in the driveway made my heart rate increase as I prepared for the worst news. But the car never pulled in the driveway. You made it through eight years in the military, which is including three deployments. It is a true blessing that you returned physically unharmed.
When you decided to enroll at the same university as me, which had been our plan years and years ago, I was in complete denial. While I was absolutely elated by the thought, I didn't know if I would ever get to see the reality. However, last August, we both moved into the same dorm hall and my entire life changed for the better. The brother that I had been waiting eight years to have back, is now here and for that, I'm forever grateful. Every moment that I get to be with you is a moment that I don't take for granted. I now have the guidance, advice, and love from you that I waited so long to have. We can now make memories together that don't have a ticking clock in the back for when you'll have to return to the military. I no longer have to guess when the next time is that I'll see you, or struggle with the thought that I may never see you again. Hearing that a soldier died on the news still saddens and worries me, but I am thankful that I will no longer have to wonder if that was you.
You may never know how much I love the time that we can now share together. Although you have eight more years than I do, we can grow up together and experience the "college lifestyle" together. When I need you the most, I know that I can look across the room and find you. We are in this together and even though our lives are all messed up and we may never know what the right path for our futures is, I know that we can do this together.
God bless.

I'M FALLING APART

I'm not okay. It's about time that I admit that I'm gasping for breath, desperately trying to stay above the water that is pulling me harder and harder to the bottom. I am about to sink. Into what? I don't know. I'm scared.
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?

A PROCLAMATION TO A NEW ME

It's been almost six years that I've maintained a deep dark secret, unwilling and feeling unable to relinquish the burden on my shoulders. Caring friends and family offered their empathy, but could never actually hear the full story. I have been shunned into a tormenting silence and finally, I feel the strength, ability, and courage to unveil a darkened past that I have.
I'm blessed to say that I am not a victim, but a survivor. I survived a relationship built on the basis that I was to be a follower. I was to obey instructions given to me by someone who claimed he loved and cared for me. I was silenced at a fragile age when development and maturity were just reaching me. I was quieted and forbidden to have an opinion. What I thought no longer mattered to my friends and family, but more importantly, it didn't matter to me. I was a slave, by my innocent ability to trust someone who knew exactly how to manipulate me.
The pain that I felt, the bruises that I obtained, the nights of pure numbness are distant memories that still bring goose bumps to my skin and shivers down my back. I am haunted by the past that I permitted myself to have. I believed in a lie, when the truth was directly in front of my face. The only reason I ever pulled back and tried to better myself was for a savior. A guy who became one of my closest friends saved me, in a time when I didn't even realize I needed to be saved.
While you spat the cruel words and lifted your hands to me, I was most scared of myself. I couldn't get myself to leave. I didn't feel my worth or believed that there was better for me in the world. I was young, and naïve, and had been so carefree. I was now destroyed, damaged, hurt, used, abused.
Years later, I still don't discuss the details of this past that I have. I refuse to lay my every thought and emotion out for the world. I am scared to be so vulnerable again. No matter what anyone says to me, I know how evil someone can become and I am scared that the person who is truly genuine will be pushed away by my own fears and worries. My future could be so bright and is still so bright, but I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to open my heart and eyes to what I could have. I am capable of disallowing the past from defining my future, but I don't know how to go about this. I am lost, in a sea of misery, and I am struggling.
Friends tell me all of the time that they are there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them. When they need me to open up about my past, I don't know how I can tear down my walls and let them in.
It's the figurative walls that I have built around me that keeps me from actually opening up to people. I'm an outgoing person, but I am not a welcoming person. While I have plenty of friends around me and plenty of people interested in creating a future with me, I am incapable of having their hopes and feelings become mutual with my own.
I'm a girl who needed to become a fighter in order for me to get away from him. Even though he is gone and the fight is over, I am still holding the spear, ready to utilize it. I'm still fighting, a fight that isn't even there.
But I'm done fighting. I'm done with the walls. It's well past time to trust the people who have proved their loyalty. It is time for me to prove my loyalty and trust to them. I owe my friends and family that much. I need to talk about my past so that I can move on and have a brighter future. It's time for me to be the strong, loving, outgoing, funny girl that I once was.
I will come back from my past and I will come out stronger than I ever was before.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side, no matter how difficult it may have been at times. I do appreciate your never-ending love, support, encouragement, and friendship.
God bless.