MY MOST PERSONAL POST YET

How does one begin to write about a past life event that one cannot even express through words? How do you unleash the most private secret you have? How do I share such a huge tragedy without making myself seem damaged, fragile, and emotionally unstable?

I don't know, but here's my most genuine attempt.

It's just after Christmas time, but joy still radiates through my little world. I am surrounded by family, reunited after months. Laughter fills each room. I've never felt more blessed.

The smile on my face hides the very deep fear underlying it. We are taught from an early age that fear is a sign of weakness. Therefore, I believe that I am weak for being absolutely petrified. After 1 1/2 months, Mother Nature's monthly visit should have arrived and gone. Immediately, I claim responsibility despite the fact that someone else is at just as much fault. My boyfriend. But it's my body. He can leave at his heart's desire with no further care for this. I, on the other hand, face one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I am only 20 years old, halfway through my second year of college. I have goals and ambition. I've only been with him for a few months so am I really willing to take a chance and hope he'll be there? What if he leaves? Am i really prepared to do this alone?

My heart pounds as I stare at the stick wanting the results to appear. I am so still that a whisper would have given me a heart attack. I'm alone, in this potential life-changing moment. I had informed him what I was doing today but his lack of communication showed me how detached he was from this grueling reality. I am alone. Just as I've always been.

At last, my biggest fear becomes my reality. I stare at the one word "Pregnant" wishing to see "Not" in front of it. Praying to see it. But it never comes. I fall numb as fears race through my mind. I am on a roller coaster of emotion, but above all, I'm scared.

Three more tests are taken, all claiming that I'm not pregnant. I know my body and I know these tests are wrong. A doctor appointment a few days later confirms that the three tests are incorrect, making it official that I no longer am thinking solely of myself. I'm no longer alone.

Night after night, I find myself crying in bed writing to this unborn child. But these writings are all soon discarded. I am sad but I am very angry. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. I had told him how the others had abandoned me in my times of need. Here he was now doing the same.

But I couldn't think about him. I had someone else to consider.

One day, everything changes again. I pride myself on knowing my body well. I knew something had happened. Another visit to the doctor confirms my suspicions.

The baby is gone. I am completely alone in this world again. They say nature has a way of working itself out as intended. I suppose it's a bittersweet blessing. Nature made the call before I needed to.

This allowed me to release a toxic person from my life. It allowed me to experience happiness again, even though I endured and still endure the pain associated with a miscarriage.

My life will never be the same again...

LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!

A few days ago, a close friend said something that completely got my mind thinking. The irony in what he said is that he's going to soon be getting married to one of my best friends. I was sitting in the living room of their new apartment, discussing the future as they were on the road to the rest of their life. While they discussed marriage, weddings, and having children, I couldn't help but examine my own life and how still it seemed. With a number of failed relationships and failed attempts toward serious commitments, I realized that my life is actually moving pretty rapidly and I wasn't even realizing it. No, I am not dating anyone steadily. No, I am not engaged. No, I am not making plans with anyone for the future.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.

WHAT NOW? WHERE TO NOW?

As I prepare to conclude my second year of college, I can not stress enough just how blessed I am to not only have the privilege and ability to attend this amazing college, but I'm also fortunate for the opportunities that have been provided to me. I can honestly say that I have learned so much more about myself and my future plans than I have ever before.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.

God bless.

SILENTLY SCREAMING FOR HELP

It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.

It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.

My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.

I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.

At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?

I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...

AM I THE ONLY HELP FOR MYSELF!?

I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I am stuck in a hole trying to climb out, but no one can see me. I am crying, but no one is hugging me and telling me that everything will soon be okay. I am alone, and for the first time ever, I'm actually scared of this fact.

For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.

No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.

I need someone.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.

RESPECTING YOURSELF

For the longest time, I always thought that I do whatever I can to hold onto people who are already out of  my life because I fear having no one by my side. It wasn't until recently that I realized how wrong this thought truly is.
It's not that I'm afraid to have nobody by me when I need someone the most. I've been there before, and although I didn't have anyone, I was and am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. So being alone is not what I fear. Not being accepted isn't what I fear.
It's actually not about fear at all.
What it truly comes down to is respect.
I haven't respected myself enough to recognize that the only people I need in my life are people who make effort to be in my life.

This is all changing today. It's beyond time for me to respect myself enough to realize that I deserve to be treated better than certain people have been treating me. I respect myself and therefore, I am not going to chase and beg for people to stay in mmy life. People who truly want a part of my life will do whatever they can to be there. Those who don't want to be in my life won't be.

Respect yourself and know your worth. Know and recognize what you deserve and do not settle for less...ever.

God bless.

LOSING YOU!?

If you thought that losing you would be the most difficult thing I would have to go through, you would be wrong. Losing you was easy in comparison to the emotional burden I've carried for far too long.

It's not that I wasn't sad or disappointed in the failure of our relationship. It's not that I didn't miss the few amazing moments we shared. It's not that I didn't care when you would cross my mind. I did miss you. Seeing those daily reminders of what we had, even if it had only been for a few months, was emotionally stressful. I consistently questioned my decision to end the relationship. Just the mere sight of a semi-truck was enough to make me question my decision. I wanted you back, but I also wanted to be alone. I needed time to myself to think and recover from the emotional torment I endured with you.

Hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship allows you to reflect and truly identify where your unhappiness and discontentment derived from. As I sit here writing and reflecting now, I am sick and horrified of the person I was when I was with you. Possibly without even meaning to, you took my every worry and fear as grounds to further destroy my confidence and self-image. In my heart, I want to believe that you have the best intentions. Regardless, though, I was emotionally drained from the little comments you would make.

This time apart has granted me the opportunity to find myself again. It's granted me the chance to reconnect with friends who have made several comments, in regards to how happier I seem. It's allowed me to become closer with my family, who have offered nothing but support and love as I make this endeavor to be the best me that I can be. Blessed. I am astoundingly more blessed than I have ever realized before. Losing you made me realize that I have some amazing, god-sent friends and family by my side, willing to drop everything to be there for me in my times of need. I am happy and I am blessed.

Losing you happened simultaneously to making a decision on another aspect of my life that has caused me the most pain and the most sadness. In these past few months, I have been reminded of something in my past that I had been running from, without even knowing. I thought that I had come to terms with the truth of this incident, but, in reality, I was scared and I was on the run. Far be it for me to grasp to religion, but God's plan makes perfect sense to me now. I needed to fall completely apart so I could come back together. I needed to face the reality of what I went through. Above all, I needed to finalize a decision that was troubling my mind non-stop, every single minute of my life. Although many of my closest friends disapprove of my ultimate decision in this situation, I know that I made the right choice for me. It may not be what I want to see happen, but it's what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life. I need to gain control of my life, once again, and truly discover who I am and what I deserve.

So, no, losing you wasn't hard, in comparison to the tremendous battle that I have been forced to fully come to terms with. I'll always deal with this, but losing you isn't something I'll always struggle with. I can move on from you, but I can't move on from the tormenting past. I am strong. I truly believe that God only puts you through experiences He knows you can handle. For this reason, I know that I am okay. I may not be okay right now, but I will be.
Happiness is just around the corner, and I am both hopeful and excited for what the future has in store for me.

God bless.