Am I considered a fool for believing the perfect arrangement of the sweet words you spoke to me? Am I considered the idiot for trusting that you could obtain my fragile heart?
In the peacefulness surrounding us in the middle of a summer night, I opened my mind and my hear to you, entrusting that I was putting my love and trust into someone who was doing the same to me. I was the brave, courageous one for allowing myself to open up and tear down the walls that I had worked so long to build up. I saw kindness in your eyes, that were so quickly willing and able to change to evil. Had I known then what I do now, I would not be the same damaged heart that I am now. I am difficult to get to know, because I have my walls so high. For fear of being hurt, I keep only a select few close to me. It's in these people that I find the most happiness from my life, but it's in this state that I am the most lonely.
Ideally, I am open to meeting new people and interested in learning just what can happen when the walls disappear. However, I am Rapunzel, stuck in a tower, too scared and too naïve of my own misery to realize that the grass can be greener on the other side.
Unless, I am wrong. Maybe I'm not as scared as I believe that I am. Maybe, rather than being afraid that it's worse outside the walls, maybe I am scared of the exact opposite. Maybe the deep, harsh truth is that I'm scared because I know it's better. I am more afraid to open my heart to greater things than of being scared that it won't be what I expect it to be.
It's in this miserable stage of my life that I am, once again. I, like many other females my age, have opened my heart to only have it shut down again...this time, with a stronger lock on it.
It was easy for me to convince myself that I am afraid of getting hurt, but I've been hurt before. I've been kicked down and I've gotten right back up again. I've become stronger. Why would I really fear this?
The only logical conclusion for this confusion and misery in my life that I can consider is that I'm afraid that I will find pure happiness. I'm not afraid that it'll end; I'm afraid that it will never end. The true commitment in someone that I long for is what is actually holding me back from embracing life and its crazy adventures.
I can't stay away from the desire of happiness forever. I will open my heart again and I will let someone into my life. I will unleash the secrets that I have held so dear to me.
One day, I will love again.
