WHAT NOW? WHERE TO NOW?

As I prepare to conclude my second year of college, I can not stress enough just how blessed I am to not only have the privilege and ability to attend this amazing college, but I'm also fortunate for the opportunities that have been provided to me. I can honestly say that I have learned so much more about myself and my future plans than I have ever before.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.

God bless.

SILENTLY SCREAMING FOR HELP

It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.

It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.

My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.

I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.

At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?

I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...

AM I THE ONLY HELP FOR MYSELF!?

I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I am stuck in a hole trying to climb out, but no one can see me. I am crying, but no one is hugging me and telling me that everything will soon be okay. I am alone, and for the first time ever, I'm actually scared of this fact.

For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.

No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.

I need someone.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.