I miss you.
I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Then again, I never thought I'd have to miss you. You'd always been there, ever since I met you. You were always just a short drive to our favorite bar away, for just a drink, a game of pool, a conversation. I could always call you, regardless of the day, time, what you were doing, what I was doing. If I needed advice, you would give it to me even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. If I just needed a drink, you'd just reply saying that you'd meet me at our bar in 15 minutes.
When I invited you to my pool party, I had no idea how much that would strengthen our friendship. Laughter...drinks... memories. You played guitar and piano for me. We drank shots. Laughed. You bonded with my family and friends. You were so comfortable in any situation you were in.
When I texted you one random Friday morning telling you how much I wanted a vacation, we had a hotel booked hours later. When you came to my house to pick me up, you just laughed at the sight of me bringing a suitcase, a backpack, and an additional bag for a weekend getaway to the Wisconsin Dells.
You never failed to make me laugh, no matter what mood I was in. No matter where we were, what we were doing, I was always laughing hysterically.
So it's no surprise that the last 3 months without you have been 3 of the loneliest months I've ever had.
The first month you were gone, I cried every single day. The smallest thing could set it off. A friend sending me a text informing me that he/she was thinking of me was enough to send me into my bedroom for hours, crying uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do with myself. The mundane tasks of daily life no longer seemed to carry any importance to me. My room was a mess. Laundry was all over the floor, begging to be washed. My bed sheets were scattered throughout the bed and one the floor. My bedside table had a collection of assorted cups of water, none finished. Even drinking didn't seem like a necessity anymore. I neglected almost everything. I felt like everything was falling apart. Nothing was bringing my joy anymore. I was going through the motions, but not truly living. It felt like I was just surviving... giving myself just enough food to satisfy my hunger.
As time went by, and another month came and went, I felt it getting more "normal." The tears weren't coming down my face as often as they had. It was getting easier to be at our bar, without you there. I still find myself searching the bar for your familiar face and then my heart sinks when reality sets back in and I remember that I won't see your face there again.
It's been almost three months now without you. So much has happened and changed in my life.
I want to tell you about how well I'm doing with my job. I want to tell you that I got a raise in January and I'm getting another one next month, in April. I want to tell you that I'm slowly but surely finding myself again. I'm appreciating the small things and showing my love to family and friends more often. I'm trying to live like you did. Fast. Furious. I don't want to let my anxiety keep me from doing what I love.
Losing you has changed me forever. My heart breaks at the thought of all the memories we'll never make. The trips we'll never go on. The conversations we won't have. The pool games we won't play. The shots of tequila we won't do together. The hugs I won't get from you unexpectedly.
Life has a rude way of letting someone turn their lives completely around for the better, only to take it away after a very short, but well-lived 31 years. When you left, you took a little piece of everyone you ever knew with them.
I am so grateful for the memories we made, the laughs we shared, and the love, respect and friendship we had. You taught me how to live like you were dying. You taught me the value of life and the importance of doing what you want to do while you are able to.
Save a tequila shot for me up there, guy.
Love you Daveeed.
