Weird...it's been almost a year and, yet, it still feels like yesterday in some ways. In other ways, it's as though I've never met you. It's taken me this long to realize that this array of emotions I experience by the thought of you isn't because of any good times we had. We didn't really have too many. The few happy times we did share always ended bad...in one way or another.
For the first time ever, I am just going to admit my true feelings toward you...something I never really did.
First and foremost, I am upset. I am upset that I opened my heart and trusted you. I allowed you to bypass my walls and come into my world. You saw me for exactly who I am. I was nothing but transparent with you. For this reason, I believed I was safe. A false belief, but a belief nonetheless. As my world crashed down around me, I turned to you for guidance and support...I had no idea my solution for this downfall was actually the cause. You did this to me...to my safe space, to my world, to my life. You destroyed it. For that, I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive you.
I am angry. I am mad. I have punched walls and kicked rocks, struggling to understand and struggling to accept what is. For the first time, I felt like I had my life felt out but little did I know, I was losing everything that ever mattered to me. It was a sly, sick game you played with me...leading me to believe you were helping me, caring for me, being there for me. In reality, you left me alone and damaged. It started with your lack of trust, especially with my friends. I permitted you to convince me to push them all away. It wasn't until I only had my family that I realized what you had done. Then, you took away my hopes and dreams for my future. I was so driven, so motivated, so confident and that all changed dramatically. Granted, the blame is on me for allowing you to do so, but how could you do that? You knew what I wanted from life. I spent nights and days rambling on and on about my goals for the future. I wanted to become someone. I wanted to create something. I wanted to improve my life. Then, my life dramatically changed in a way that things will never be how they were. You did the one thing you told me you wouldn't do...leave. You were never there as you said you would be. I am angry because I have had to go through this alone. I have experienced a loss that you have never mentally and emotionally connected with. I am angry because you wake up everyday without the mixed emotions that I do. You can go day in and day out without a single thought about what could have been, but I can't. I felt something that you never did. For that, I am mad.
Peace...I may not be completely in peace, but I do have peace surrounding me. Even though you were never there for me, I have a select few of people around me that have been there every single step of the way through this devastating life experience. I may not be there yet, but I am getting to a place where I can be at peace with how life happened.
Lastly, I have gained the hope that I lost along this horrible journey. For the first time in a year, I feel almost back to myself, a slightly different version. I will never forget the shock I felt when a close friend who went through a similar loss told me that we're "still mothers. Because if we're not, then it's like they never existed." Tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face, I can say that I am stronger than I ever have been before. Although most days, my anxiety rises above anything else, I still feel hope. There is still hope in this broken heart of mine. For that, I am forever grateful and blessed.
God bless.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
R.I.P.
In just a few months, it'll be a year since I went through the biggest life-changing moment thus far. Having you and shortly thereafter losing you...that's something I can't just move on from. By now, I thought I'd have forgotten all about it but I can't and I refuse to. In the short time of your life, you changed me and played a larger role in my life that I had ever anticipated. Even though I never was able to meet you, or feel you, I feel you now in my heart more than ever.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for this. There are no words to make the pain go away, nor is there anything that could lead me to forget you. After months of anger, confusion, denial, pain, sadness, anxiety, and so forth, I can honestly say now that you were the greatest blessing for me.
You changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do before. You made me realize how strong I truly am. In the moment that I learned of you, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I had to utilize the strength that I had hidden. I was your support system and at that moment, nothing else needed my attention more.
Then, just a few tragic days later, you were gone. It seemed as though you hadn't existed, but you did and you do. You are as much a part of me today as you were back then. I now know that you were mine and you are mine...always. I will never be the same person I was before and I'm okay with that. The person who I am today is more determined and stronger than I ever could have bene before. For the first time ever, I truly feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than it ever has before.
So, to my sweet angel, may you always feel the love I have for you...forever and always.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for this. There are no words to make the pain go away, nor is there anything that could lead me to forget you. After months of anger, confusion, denial, pain, sadness, anxiety, and so forth, I can honestly say now that you were the greatest blessing for me.
You changed my life in a way that no one has ever been able to do before. You made me realize how strong I truly am. In the moment that I learned of you, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I had to utilize the strength that I had hidden. I was your support system and at that moment, nothing else needed my attention more.
Then, just a few tragic days later, you were gone. It seemed as though you hadn't existed, but you did and you do. You are as much a part of me today as you were back then. I now know that you were mine and you are mine...always. I will never be the same person I was before and I'm okay with that. The person who I am today is more determined and stronger than I ever could have bene before. For the first time ever, I truly feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than it ever has before.
So, to my sweet angel, may you always feel the love I have for you...forever and always.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
GOAL ACHIEVED
Clearly, I've neglected this blog the past few months as I not only embrace the precious days of summer but also work endlessly in the hopes of decreasing the substantial college debt I face.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.
This summer, I feel amazingly blessed to have obtained a job that I never dread going to. Although the challenges I face in this new position are far more serious than in previous jobs, I wouldn't change jobs for the world. As a caregiver for a home care company, I have never felt more important in any role prior.
I'm not only responsible for helping clients through a typical day in their home, I also need to ensure their happiness, which is not as easy of a task as it may seem. There are no words to accurately describe the emotions faced when a client stares into the precious eyes of a woman, failing to recognize and understand that that is her daughter. The heart ache, sadness, and confusion associated with dementia is incomparable. However, helping the client embrace this new world they find themselves in and encouraging the family to partake in this new world is satisfying and fulfilling. To know that I have brought a mother and a daughter close again despite the barriers associated with Alzheimer's disease is the greatest gift. Even if for just one day, my client can smile because she was able to sit outside under the bright sun staring into her favorite flowers, I feel as though my life has a deeper meaning than I ever could have imagined it would.
I never could have imagined that I would spend my summer working over 50 hours per week and actually be enjoying each and every second of my life. If someone would have informed me that this summer I'd be getting paid to play cribbage, sequence, darts, pool, and other cards games, I'd have thought they were insane. I've met clients of all different ages, in all different conditions and helped them in all different ways. I've sat with clients and watched the Republican and Democratic National Conventions in a complete peaceful silence before falling asleep and getting paid for a full night's rest. I've assisted clients in preparing for the day, made meals, and aided in their preparations for the night. Nothing in life is more satisfying than to return home after a long day of work and feel as though I actually made a huge difference in someone's life. To see the clients tear up as I inform them that I will be leaving for school in just a week...that means so much to me. It lifts my heart, encourages me to continue pursuing my career goals, and reminding me to enjoy each and every moment that this life gives you. As I've seen clients nearing the end of their life, I can't help but reach out to my family and friends just to ensure that they understand how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Life is so precious. By the grace of God, I've been fortunate enough to have the most meaningful summer of my entire life thus far. I've cried, laughed, clenched my fists, and wrapped my arms around some of the greatest people. As I begin my third year of my college education, I feel as though this entire summer, I've learned more than I ever could in any overpriced college course. For the first time, I feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. For that, I am forever grateful.
God bless.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
MY MOST PERSONAL POST YET
How does one begin to write about a past life event that one cannot even express through words? How do you unleash the most private secret you have? How do I share such a huge tragedy without making myself seem damaged, fragile, and emotionally unstable?
I don't know, but here's my most genuine attempt.
It's just after Christmas time, but joy still radiates through my little world. I am surrounded by family, reunited after months. Laughter fills each room. I've never felt more blessed.
The smile on my face hides the very deep fear underlying it. We are taught from an early age that fear is a sign of weakness. Therefore, I believe that I am weak for being absolutely petrified. After 1 1/2 months, Mother Nature's monthly visit should have arrived and gone. Immediately, I claim responsibility despite the fact that someone else is at just as much fault. My boyfriend. But it's my body. He can leave at his heart's desire with no further care for this. I, on the other hand, face one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
I am only 20 years old, halfway through my second year of college. I have goals and ambition. I've only been with him for a few months so am I really willing to take a chance and hope he'll be there? What if he leaves? Am i really prepared to do this alone?
My heart pounds as I stare at the stick wanting the results to appear. I am so still that a whisper would have given me a heart attack. I'm alone, in this potential life-changing moment. I had informed him what I was doing today but his lack of communication showed me how detached he was from this grueling reality. I am alone. Just as I've always been.
At last, my biggest fear becomes my reality. I stare at the one word "Pregnant" wishing to see "Not" in front of it. Praying to see it. But it never comes. I fall numb as fears race through my mind. I am on a roller coaster of emotion, but above all, I'm scared.
Three more tests are taken, all claiming that I'm not pregnant. I know my body and I know these tests are wrong. A doctor appointment a few days later confirms that the three tests are incorrect, making it official that I no longer am thinking solely of myself. I'm no longer alone.
Night after night, I find myself crying in bed writing to this unborn child. But these writings are all soon discarded. I am sad but I am very angry. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't. I had told him how the others had abandoned me in my times of need. Here he was now doing the same.
But I couldn't think about him. I had someone else to consider.
One day, everything changes again. I pride myself on knowing my body well. I knew something had happened. Another visit to the doctor confirms my suspicions.
The baby is gone. I am completely alone in this world again. They say nature has a way of working itself out as intended. I suppose it's a bittersweet blessing. Nature made the call before I needed to.
This allowed me to release a toxic person from my life. It allowed me to experience happiness again, even though I endured and still endure the pain associated with a miscarriage.
My life will never be the same again...
Sunday, May 1, 2016
LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!
A few days ago, a close friend said something that completely got my mind thinking. The irony in what he said is that he's going to soon be getting married to one of my best friends. I was sitting in the living room of their new apartment, discussing the future as they were on the road to the rest of their life. While they discussed marriage, weddings, and having children, I couldn't help but examine my own life and how still it seemed. With a number of failed relationships and failed attempts toward serious commitments, I realized that my life is actually moving pretty rapidly and I wasn't even realizing it. No, I am not dating anyone steadily. No, I am not engaged. No, I am not making plans with anyone for the future.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.
But I'm also 20 years old. I'm only two years deep into this thing called adulthood. I have made countless mistakes and made countless positive decisions for my future. Within just a few weeks, I will be finishing my second year of college. I have a job already held and secured for next fall. I feel better about my major and my minor than I ever have before. I may not have secured a job quite ye for summer, but I'm okay with that. My life is consistently changing, quicker than I even see sometimes.
With this constant change, I have such an open future filled with opportunities. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want without having to consider how this may directly impact someone else. I am free to try new things without considering relationship impacts. I am blessed.
Although when I see a couple in public, a part of my heart sinks as I wish to experience that. But I will, when the time is right. For now, and for one of the first times ever, I am going to live for myself. Every decision from here on out is going to offer me experiences and chances that my friends, who are settled down with a significant other or with a child, will not be able to have.
Rather than stress because so and so hasn't texted me back, I am going to live for me and do what makes me happy.
One thing I realized a week ago is that I no longer am happy with where my life is at. I am going to a wonderful university in a city that isn't bringing me the happiness it once did. I am surrounded by people who reside in the negative aspects of life. Rather than continue to sit in this misery, I am going to begin making several changes in my life, beginning with how I look at things. Although I wish I was somewhere else, I am going to enjoy exactly where I am. I am going to strive to bring true laughter to the world and keep a genuine smile on my face. I will only be twenty years old for a few more months and I intend to live those young, innocent years to the fullest. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family around me that are only going to help me pursue and reach this goal.
I encourage any and all of you to embrace the exact moment that you're in. If there's something in your life, or some part of your life that isn't bringing happiness to you, change it. You are the only one with the power to do so. Enjoy your life and obtain true happiness.
God bless.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
WHAT NOW? WHERE TO NOW?
As I prepare to conclude my second year of college, I can not stress enough just how blessed I am to not only have the privilege and ability to attend this amazing college, but I'm also fortunate for the opportunities that have been provided to me. I can honestly say that I have learned so much more about myself and my future plans than I have ever before.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.
God bless.
In reflection, this past year has granted me the chance to fully examine myself and realize who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as an employee, as a mentor, as a human. I have fallen...hard...and gotten back up again. I have felt my entire world crushing down and I've worked hard to build myself back up again.
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I am content with not knowing what my next step is. In the extensive process of interviews and applications, I am truly hopeful and excited for what the future holds for me. Although the semester is ending, I know that this is only the beginning. I have two more years remaining for bad decisions to be made, good decisions to be embraced, and life experiences to be had. There is nothing and most certainly no one that can hold me back now.
I am back.
Watch out.
God bless.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
SILENTLY SCREAMING FOR HELP
It's been 17 days since my last post, where I have relinquished more of my personal self for any and all readers who, for some reason, stumble upon my blog and continue to read it. In the past two weeks, my life has flipped completely upside down. I thought that I had hit the breaking point below, but a few days ago, I reached complete rock bottom. It wasn't until I felt all emotions drain from my body that I realized just how done with everything I emotionally was.
It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.
My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.
I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.
At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...
It's not that I have fallen into a depression. Thankfully, I have enough truly amazing friends that have always been and will continue to keep me grounded and level-headed. However, my anxiety has reached a point that I can no longer control or even detect the onset of panic attacks. One second, I can be smiling and having a great time and the next I will be crying, shaking, and falling numb.
My entire world as I know it is collapsing down around me and I don't have the strength anymore to hold it all together. I've been trying so hard to move on from my past, but in the process of doing so, I've overwhelmed myself with the emotions that I struggled with years ago. Everything is coming back and I'm worried that this time, I won't make it out. I'm in a hole, calling for help but my shouting is silent. I'm desperately gasping for air as I struggle to breathe through another day, yet very few people actually realize how broken I am.
I'm scared that I will be stuck in this horrible unhappiness and ultimately fall into a depression, once again. I am worried that one day, I won't be able to smile through the pain or laugh the tears away. One day, I won't be able to find the good.
At what point will my smile reflect true happiness? After how many bad days, will I actually experience a good day? When will I stop worrying about what everyone thinks and focus on myself, for once? When will this misery end?
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do...
Sunday, April 3, 2016
AM I THE ONLY HELP FOR MYSELF!?
I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I am stuck in a hole trying to climb out, but no one can see me. I am crying, but no one is hugging me and telling me that everything will soon be okay. I am alone, and for the first time ever, I'm actually scared of this fact.
For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.
No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.
I need someone.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.
For years, I've been alone in the problems that are from my past. I've managed to remain silent about the underlying pain and suffering that I feel. Now that I realize I can't do this alone, I find myself feeling more lonely than I've ever felt before. No one is there now that I need them to be the most. I want to cry, to be angry, to be upset, to be crazy for just a little bit. I want to scream and punch things and cry until my body aches. I want to release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and truth that I've been withholding for years and years.
No one will understand. There's no way anyone could understand exactly what I've been through. Only I will understand myself. However, the loneliest feeling derives from the fact that nobody offers to ask, to be there, to hear my story, to hug me while I cry, and to allow me to release the anger I've had building up. I need someone to be a rock that I can lean on, a shoulder that I can cry on, someone who will let me yell at them and be mad at them.
I need someone.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Or maybe I really am alone.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
RESPECTING YOURSELF
For the longest time, I always thought that I do whatever I can to hold onto people who are already out of my life because I fear having no one by my side. It wasn't until recently that I realized how wrong this thought truly is.
It's not that I'm afraid to have nobody by me when I need someone the most. I've been there before, and although I didn't have anyone, I was and am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. So being alone is not what I fear. Not being accepted isn't what I fear.
It's actually not about fear at all.
What it truly comes down to is respect.
I haven't respected myself enough to recognize that the only people I need in my life are people who make effort to be in my life.
This is all changing today. It's beyond time for me to respect myself enough to realize that I deserve to be treated better than certain people have been treating me. I respect myself and therefore, I am not going to chase and beg for people to stay in mmy life. People who truly want a part of my life will do whatever they can to be there. Those who don't want to be in my life won't be.
Respect yourself and know your worth. Know and recognize what you deserve and do not settle for less...ever.
God bless.
It's not that I'm afraid to have nobody by me when I need someone the most. I've been there before, and although I didn't have anyone, I was and am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. So being alone is not what I fear. Not being accepted isn't what I fear.
It's actually not about fear at all.
What it truly comes down to is respect.
I haven't respected myself enough to recognize that the only people I need in my life are people who make effort to be in my life.
This is all changing today. It's beyond time for me to respect myself enough to realize that I deserve to be treated better than certain people have been treating me. I respect myself and therefore, I am not going to chase and beg for people to stay in mmy life. People who truly want a part of my life will do whatever they can to be there. Those who don't want to be in my life won't be.
Respect yourself and know your worth. Know and recognize what you deserve and do not settle for less...ever.
God bless.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
LOSING YOU!?
If you thought that losing you would be the most difficult thing I would have to go through, you would be wrong. Losing you was easy in comparison to the emotional burden I've carried for far too long.
It's not that I wasn't sad or disappointed in the failure of our relationship. It's not that I didn't miss the few amazing moments we shared. It's not that I didn't care when you would cross my mind. I did miss you. Seeing those daily reminders of what we had, even if it had only been for a few months, was emotionally stressful. I consistently questioned my decision to end the relationship. Just the mere sight of a semi-truck was enough to make me question my decision. I wanted you back, but I also wanted to be alone. I needed time to myself to think and recover from the emotional torment I endured with you.
Hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship allows you to reflect and truly identify where your unhappiness and discontentment derived from. As I sit here writing and reflecting now, I am sick and horrified of the person I was when I was with you. Possibly without even meaning to, you took my every worry and fear as grounds to further destroy my confidence and self-image. In my heart, I want to believe that you have the best intentions. Regardless, though, I was emotionally drained from the little comments you would make.
This time apart has granted me the opportunity to find myself again. It's granted me the chance to reconnect with friends who have made several comments, in regards to how happier I seem. It's allowed me to become closer with my family, who have offered nothing but support and love as I make this endeavor to be the best me that I can be. Blessed. I am astoundingly more blessed than I have ever realized before. Losing you made me realize that I have some amazing, god-sent friends and family by my side, willing to drop everything to be there for me in my times of need. I am happy and I am blessed.
Losing you happened simultaneously to making a decision on another aspect of my life that has caused me the most pain and the most sadness. In these past few months, I have been reminded of something in my past that I had been running from, without even knowing. I thought that I had come to terms with the truth of this incident, but, in reality, I was scared and I was on the run. Far be it for me to grasp to religion, but God's plan makes perfect sense to me now. I needed to fall completely apart so I could come back together. I needed to face the reality of what I went through. Above all, I needed to finalize a decision that was troubling my mind non-stop, every single minute of my life. Although many of my closest friends disapprove of my ultimate decision in this situation, I know that I made the right choice for me. It may not be what I want to see happen, but it's what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life. I need to gain control of my life, once again, and truly discover who I am and what I deserve.
So, no, losing you wasn't hard, in comparison to the tremendous battle that I have been forced to fully come to terms with. I'll always deal with this, but losing you isn't something I'll always struggle with. I can move on from you, but I can't move on from the tormenting past. I am strong. I truly believe that God only puts you through experiences He knows you can handle. For this reason, I know that I am okay. I may not be okay right now, but I will be.
Happiness is just around the corner, and I am both hopeful and excited for what the future has in store for me.
God bless.
It's not that I wasn't sad or disappointed in the failure of our relationship. It's not that I didn't miss the few amazing moments we shared. It's not that I didn't care when you would cross my mind. I did miss you. Seeing those daily reminders of what we had, even if it had only been for a few months, was emotionally stressful. I consistently questioned my decision to end the relationship. Just the mere sight of a semi-truck was enough to make me question my decision. I wanted you back, but I also wanted to be alone. I needed time to myself to think and recover from the emotional torment I endured with you.
Hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship allows you to reflect and truly identify where your unhappiness and discontentment derived from. As I sit here writing and reflecting now, I am sick and horrified of the person I was when I was with you. Possibly without even meaning to, you took my every worry and fear as grounds to further destroy my confidence and self-image. In my heart, I want to believe that you have the best intentions. Regardless, though, I was emotionally drained from the little comments you would make.
This time apart has granted me the opportunity to find myself again. It's granted me the chance to reconnect with friends who have made several comments, in regards to how happier I seem. It's allowed me to become closer with my family, who have offered nothing but support and love as I make this endeavor to be the best me that I can be. Blessed. I am astoundingly more blessed than I have ever realized before. Losing you made me realize that I have some amazing, god-sent friends and family by my side, willing to drop everything to be there for me in my times of need. I am happy and I am blessed.
Losing you happened simultaneously to making a decision on another aspect of my life that has caused me the most pain and the most sadness. In these past few months, I have been reminded of something in my past that I had been running from, without even knowing. I thought that I had come to terms with the truth of this incident, but, in reality, I was scared and I was on the run. Far be it for me to grasp to religion, but God's plan makes perfect sense to me now. I needed to fall completely apart so I could come back together. I needed to face the reality of what I went through. Above all, I needed to finalize a decision that was troubling my mind non-stop, every single minute of my life. Although many of my closest friends disapprove of my ultimate decision in this situation, I know that I made the right choice for me. It may not be what I want to see happen, but it's what needs to be done in order for me to move on with my life. I need to gain control of my life, once again, and truly discover who I am and what I deserve.
So, no, losing you wasn't hard, in comparison to the tremendous battle that I have been forced to fully come to terms with. I'll always deal with this, but losing you isn't something I'll always struggle with. I can move on from you, but I can't move on from the tormenting past. I am strong. I truly believe that God only puts you through experiences He knows you can handle. For this reason, I know that I am okay. I may not be okay right now, but I will be.
Happiness is just around the corner, and I am both hopeful and excited for what the future has in store for me.
God bless.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
When One Door Shuts...
Another opens.
Life works in a weird, twisted but yet destined and perfect way. The experiences and memories we have all shape us into who and where we need to be. We're not as independent as we think. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there is some force out there that only allows you to go through things that you can endure.
Sometimes life happens. People leave, memories fade, experiences fail to occur. We fall, we cry, we get back up, we smile. We laugh through the pain and cry through the pain all the same. We're just going through this life unsure of what's coming next but deep down inside all of us, we have faith in what will come. We know that we are strong to face whatever challenges come toward us.
Recently, a door shut in my life. A door that had an abundance of great memories while also full of not-so-good memories. Although it saddens me that the memories will no longer come, I am relieved and blessed to be coming out stronger than ever and prepared to face whatever lies ahead. I am happy and for once I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, carefree, energetic, outgoing, incredible person. For that, I am forever grateful. I have been knocked down and challenged in ways I never imagined I'd be challenged. But through it all, I come out stronger and better than ever. I am not done in this journey of life, nor will I permit someone to convince me that I am. I have so much more to offer the world and I know the world has so much more to offer for me. Whatever lies ahead, whichever road I take to the future, whatever I go through...whether good or bad...I will be ready and I will be happy.
Several months ago, I would have never imagined I'd be still talking to that same person who brought so much joy and so much happiness to my life. People fall apart to sometimes fall back together. Life is unpredictable and although I sometimes crave the chance to see what lies ahead, I am excited by the thought that the future is so unknown. I don't know what will happen in a few weeks when he comes back. I don't know what will come of a bond created over several months, with just the written word creating that bond. But I'm hopeful.
Life works in a weird, twisted but yet destined and perfect way. The experiences and memories we have all shape us into who and where we need to be. We're not as independent as we think. Regardless of your religious beliefs, there is some force out there that only allows you to go through things that you can endure.
Sometimes life happens. People leave, memories fade, experiences fail to occur. We fall, we cry, we get back up, we smile. We laugh through the pain and cry through the pain all the same. We're just going through this life unsure of what's coming next but deep down inside all of us, we have faith in what will come. We know that we are strong to face whatever challenges come toward us.
Recently, a door shut in my life. A door that had an abundance of great memories while also full of not-so-good memories. Although it saddens me that the memories will no longer come, I am relieved and blessed to be coming out stronger than ever and prepared to face whatever lies ahead. I am happy and for once I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, carefree, energetic, outgoing, incredible person. For that, I am forever grateful. I have been knocked down and challenged in ways I never imagined I'd be challenged. But through it all, I come out stronger and better than ever. I am not done in this journey of life, nor will I permit someone to convince me that I am. I have so much more to offer the world and I know the world has so much more to offer for me. Whatever lies ahead, whichever road I take to the future, whatever I go through...whether good or bad...I will be ready and I will be happy.
Several months ago, I would have never imagined I'd be still talking to that same person who brought so much joy and so much happiness to my life. People fall apart to sometimes fall back together. Life is unpredictable and although I sometimes crave the chance to see what lies ahead, I am excited by the thought that the future is so unknown. I don't know what will happen in a few weeks when he comes back. I don't know what will come of a bond created over several months, with just the written word creating that bond. But I'm hopeful.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
I REFUSE
I refuse...
To be another statistic of an innocent, young, naïve woman who succumbs to the harsh physical and verbal abuse you placed upon me.
To surrender to a fight that I shouldn't be in.
To bow my head in shame as you take the remaining dignity and trust that I once had for myself and for others.
To allow you, a selfish and heartless man, to destroy my entire world.
To allow my heart to be broken, my trust to be gone, and my walls to go up higher and stronger.
To give you the satisfaction you seek that this time, you won the fight.
To withhold my feelings, for fear of the repercussions that may ensue by doing so.
To be a fearful victim, alone in a dark place in this world.
This time, I am going to stand up and use my power that you tried so hard to steal from me. This is my chance, my opportunity to show you that I am not as weak as you forced me to be that night. It was not my fault that this happened. I didn't do anything to justify this sort of abuse to occur. I am not the victim in this awful circumstance. I am the survivor, the fighter, the woman who refuses to allow you the satisfaction of thinking you were successful in ruining my life.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am capable. I am prepared for the challenges ahead. I am prepared for the victory that will eventually come to me.
God bless.
To be another statistic of an innocent, young, naïve woman who succumbs to the harsh physical and verbal abuse you placed upon me.
To surrender to a fight that I shouldn't be in.
To bow my head in shame as you take the remaining dignity and trust that I once had for myself and for others.
To allow you, a selfish and heartless man, to destroy my entire world.
To allow my heart to be broken, my trust to be gone, and my walls to go up higher and stronger.
To give you the satisfaction you seek that this time, you won the fight.
To withhold my feelings, for fear of the repercussions that may ensue by doing so.
To be a fearful victim, alone in a dark place in this world.
This time, I am going to stand up and use my power that you tried so hard to steal from me. This is my chance, my opportunity to show you that I am not as weak as you forced me to be that night. It was not my fault that this happened. I didn't do anything to justify this sort of abuse to occur. I am not the victim in this awful circumstance. I am the survivor, the fighter, the woman who refuses to allow you the satisfaction of thinking you were successful in ruining my life.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am capable. I am prepared for the challenges ahead. I am prepared for the victory that will eventually come to me.
God bless.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
DON'T GO
I know you are struggling in your fight. I know you are determined to find logic in this cruel and harsh situation that you unfortunately are enduring. I want you to know that there is no sense in something so life-changing. There are no answers to the questions you keep asking and there are no simple solutions to make the pain and hurt disappear.
I know giving up seems like not only the easiest option, but your only option.
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that it isn't the only answer. Despite my own struggles to make sense of this brutal world and although I often times struggle to find a reason to continue fighting, I must tell you that the fight will be worth it in the end. I don't know how this story will end or how you will, if ever, make peace with the situation you find yourself in. But I do know that your story isn't complete. I know that you story doesn't deserve to end in any tragic way.
As difficult as it may be, pick the sword back up and lift your head. Face your challenges head on, without fear, but with courage.
Know that you are not alone. I know, at times, you feel alone because nobody can give you the answers you seek. But you aren't alone. No one has the answers, including yourself.
My vow to you is as follows.
I will be there every single step of the way, offering an ear to vent to, a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a sister to laugh with, and a best friend to have beside you. I will be there as you embark on what is presumably and hopefully going to be your only major fight in this world. We have all been in the hole you find yourself in now. There's a way out and you need to have faith that there is. I will be there for the sleepless nights where you need to vent, for the silent moments where you need to cry, and for the times when we decide to throw things across the room out of anger. I will have your back as you face this horrible reality. I am here.
Please don't leave me.
Your life is worth fighting and I hope that you soon realize this.
I love you.
Stay strong.
I know giving up seems like not only the easiest option, but your only option.
I promise, from the bottom of my heart, that it isn't the only answer. Despite my own struggles to make sense of this brutal world and although I often times struggle to find a reason to continue fighting, I must tell you that the fight will be worth it in the end. I don't know how this story will end or how you will, if ever, make peace with the situation you find yourself in. But I do know that your story isn't complete. I know that you story doesn't deserve to end in any tragic way.
As difficult as it may be, pick the sword back up and lift your head. Face your challenges head on, without fear, but with courage.
Know that you are not alone. I know, at times, you feel alone because nobody can give you the answers you seek. But you aren't alone. No one has the answers, including yourself.
My vow to you is as follows.
I will be there every single step of the way, offering an ear to vent to, a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a sister to laugh with, and a best friend to have beside you. I will be there as you embark on what is presumably and hopefully going to be your only major fight in this world. We have all been in the hole you find yourself in now. There's a way out and you need to have faith that there is. I will be there for the sleepless nights where you need to vent, for the silent moments where you need to cry, and for the times when we decide to throw things across the room out of anger. I will have your back as you face this horrible reality. I am here.
Please don't leave me.
Your life is worth fighting and I hope that you soon realize this.
I love you.
Stay strong.
Monday, January 25, 2016
I CAN DO THIS
Shut yourself in the room. Turn up the music. Grab your laptop. Allow your fingers to write the words that you can't put into words. Become dumb. Punch a pillow. Cry yourself to sleep. Ask yourself "why?" Pray that things will work out. Reminisce on the good times. Sink into the bad times. Fall asleep, by some miracle. Wake up. Repeat.
My life.
The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.
What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.
When did my life become this?
It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...
I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.
I can do this.
My life.
The entire world is crushing down on me, right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with the fight that I've been in for years and years. I'm alone in this struggle of trying to hold my life together.
What a hypocrite I am...telling two people very close to me that life is worth living when I'm still trying to figure out how to live a life worth living. I'm begging them to continue fighting their battles, when I don't know how much longer I can fight my own.
When did my life become this?
It's not that I'm some depressed person, alone in my room. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to fight right now? I don't know...
I'm alone. But that's nothing new. Even when I choose to let down my walls for someone, they always leave me alone in the times of need. I'm better off alone. I can fight battles alone. I've been doing it for years. Therefore, I will fight this battle alone as well. I will get through this. I believe that God only gives you fights he knows you can conquer. I can conquer this. I need to conquer this. If not for myself, then for those who are reliant upon me being there for them.
I can do this.
Friday, January 8, 2016
TOGETHER
My best friend, my partner-in-crime, my "mother" is one of the few people in this world that I know I can call at any time in my life and she'll do whatever she can to be there for me. Through happiness, joy, sadness, depression, anxiety, good times, bad times, boring times, and crazy times. The friendship that we have built is one that is unbreakable.
Then there's my older brother. Nine years ago, he changed my entire world as I sat innocently, unable to fix the damage caused by his absence. You joining the military was your last resort and my personal worst nightmare. I remember younger me who immediately thought, "Well who's going to be the man in the house with him gone?" For years, I opened your heartbreaking letters and emails. I sat by the phone hoping you might call. Every car that pulled in the driveway made my heart rate increase as I prepared for the worst news. But the car never pulled in the driveway. You made it through eight years in the military, which is including three deployments. It is a true blessing that you returned physically unharmed.
When you decided to enroll at the same university as me, which had been our plan years and years ago, I was in complete denial. While I was absolutely elated by the thought, I didn't know if I would ever get to see the reality. However, last August, we both moved into the same dorm hall and my entire life changed for the better. The brother that I had been waiting eight years to have back, is now here and for that, I'm forever grateful. Every moment that I get to be with you is a moment that I don't take for granted. I now have the guidance, advice, and love from you that I waited so long to have. We can now make memories together that don't have a ticking clock in the back for when you'll have to return to the military. I no longer have to guess when the next time is that I'll see you, or struggle with the thought that I may never see you again. Hearing that a soldier died on the news still saddens and worries me, but I am thankful that I will no longer have to wonder if that was you.
You may never know how much I love the time that we can now share together. Although you have eight more years than I do, we can grow up together and experience the "college lifestyle" together. When I need you the most, I know that I can look across the room and find you. We are in this together and even though our lives are all messed up and we may never know what the right path for our futures is, I know that we can do this together.
God bless.
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