I'm not okay. It's about time that I admit that I'm gasping for breath, desperately trying to stay above the water that is pulling me harder and harder to the bottom. I am about to sink. Into what? I don't know. I'm scared.
With the rest of my future sprawled in front of me, my head is down and my feet are solid. I'm neither moving backward nor forward. I am simply frozen, confused, lost, and helpless. The hands that promised to guide me, the ones who promised to stay beside me have all disappeared. The people that are predisposed to love me have left me here, without concern or care for my well-being.
They don't ask me how I'm doing. Although this question has yet to be spoken, here is my answer.
I'm not okay.
My classes are increasingly overwhelming me...to a point that I have studied and studied for long hours only to receive a test grade of a D. It's not my hard work or dedication that's the problem. This is the nature of college. I am, finally after all these years, realizing that the high school form of preparation for college failed me. It didn't provide me with the necessities and skills I now need in these difficult classes.
I live with a person that I despise to no end. Her rude manners, blatant disrespect for me, and her uncleanliness have left me standing at a cliff and I'm about to jump off. She has made it clear from the start that I am inferior to her, and that she is the alpha queen. She is in for a rude awakening. So, my dear parents who haven't actually asked me how I'm doing, I'm not okay. I dread coming back to Oshkosh for the sake that I am going to spend five days being treated horribly. I will endure hours and hours of disrespect. Kicking me while I'm down is her specialty. Yes, I could move out but no body even thinks to consider the implications of doing so. If just one person could sit down and just simply, purely listen to me...my ideas, my thoughts on the situation, maybe they would understand why I haven't looked into switching roommates.
Now there's my recent relationship status change. He is the one person who I can so far rely upon. When I'm feeling down, I know that I can go to him and he'll lend an ear. While it's still early in this relationship, and my anxiety leads me to daily question whether this is the type of relationship I want to be in, I am happy. However, this happiness also comes with some barriers. My anger and frustration for my family....could this be the cause of my happiness with him? Am I really happy with him? Or am I relieved to have an escape from the people in my life that don't ask me how my day is going?
I've always had friends surrounding me, laughing with me and crying with me all the same. I have never felt truly alone until this year. My friends have all transferred to schools throughout the state, far away so that I can't see them regularly. With school and work and other life distractions, it's difficult to even keep in touch with them on a weekly basis. I'm alone here at college, where I am supposed to be having the time of my life. I was once told that college are the quickest four years of your life. If that's the case, then I am relieved beyond all belief. In college, I have learned great life lessons but I am not enjoying the day to day bustle of being on campus as so many others claim to be. I'm not happy here. Why can't someone just ask me that? Why can't someone just listen to these complaints I have? I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am lost and alone.
It's now me against the world and I'm afraid that I can no longer keep up with this horrible fight and struggle. Eventually, my muscles will weaken, my tears will stop falling, I will succumb tot he numbness that lurks, and I will have put down the sword. I will surrender to the fight, and give up. While this isn't a favorable outcome, this is the only result that I see happening unless a drastic change in my life occurs. What is a girl to do?
