Weird...it's been almost a year and, yet, it still feels like yesterday in some ways. In other ways, it's as though I've never met you. It's taken me this long to realize that this array of emotions I experience by the thought of you isn't because of any good times we had. We didn't really have too many. The few happy times we did share always ended bad...in one way or another.
For the first time ever, I am just going to admit my true feelings toward you...something I never really did.
First and foremost, I am upset. I am upset that I opened my heart and trusted you. I allowed you to bypass my walls and come into my world. You saw me for exactly who I am. I was nothing but transparent with you. For this reason, I believed I was safe. A false belief, but a belief nonetheless. As my world crashed down around me, I turned to you for guidance and support...I had no idea my solution for this downfall was actually the cause. You did this to me...to my safe space, to my world, to my life. You destroyed it. For that, I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive you.
I am angry. I am mad. I have punched walls and kicked rocks, struggling to understand and struggling to accept what is. For the first time, I felt like I had my life felt out but little did I know, I was losing everything that ever mattered to me. It was a sly, sick game you played with me...leading me to believe you were helping me, caring for me, being there for me. In reality, you left me alone and damaged. It started with your lack of trust, especially with my friends. I permitted you to convince me to push them all away. It wasn't until I only had my family that I realized what you had done. Then, you took away my hopes and dreams for my future. I was so driven, so motivated, so confident and that all changed dramatically. Granted, the blame is on me for allowing you to do so, but how could you do that? You knew what I wanted from life. I spent nights and days rambling on and on about my goals for the future. I wanted to become someone. I wanted to create something. I wanted to improve my life. Then, my life dramatically changed in a way that things will never be how they were. You did the one thing you told me you wouldn't do...leave. You were never there as you said you would be. I am angry because I have had to go through this alone. I have experienced a loss that you have never mentally and emotionally connected with. I am angry because you wake up everyday without the mixed emotions that I do. You can go day in and day out without a single thought about what could have been, but I can't. I felt something that you never did. For that, I am mad.
Peace...I may not be completely in peace, but I do have peace surrounding me. Even though you were never there for me, I have a select few of people around me that have been there every single step of the way through this devastating life experience. I may not be there yet, but I am getting to a place where I can be at peace with how life happened.
Lastly, I have gained the hope that I lost along this horrible journey. For the first time in a year, I feel almost back to myself, a slightly different version. I will never forget the shock I felt when a close friend who went through a similar loss told me that we're "still mothers. Because if we're not, then it's like they never existed." Tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face, I can say that I am stronger than I ever have been before. Although most days, my anxiety rises above anything else, I still feel hope. There is still hope in this broken heart of mine. For that, I am forever grateful and blessed.
God bless.
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